I am not perfect nor do I ever pretend to be.
With that said when I step on a scale and the number is not what it was the day before(higher) or I eat something I know I will regret later I beat myself up. Am I the only one that does this?
I gave myself a 30 minute internal lecture yesterday about some chips…9 chips!
I know this sounds silly but I realized that Ive been doing this for years.
The first time I can remember I was 20. I was going through a hard time with my then boyfriend and I started to starve myself. I have never really disclosed this on the blog or to many people. It wasnt a SCARY situation although a few family members noticed at a family function when I was wearing a backless dress that my shoulder blades stuck out.
I went to a therapist and she told me what I had was body dismorphic disorder(BIG WORDS) where I would look in the mirror at this super skinny girl and only see fat thighs, big butt, fat arms etc.
Flashforward to now:
I am right smack dab in the middle of my healthy BMI(body mass index)
Last summer I was at my weight all time high. I was miserable. I cried constantly. Chad told me I was beautiful and skinny and he couldnt understand why I didnt feel that way.
So I changed the way I ate, exercised and lost over 20 lbs. I am currently the thinnest I have ever been-you know healthy wise.
But I obsess over the scale. This $25 machine in my bathroom that makes me feel bad about myself 4 times a day. I obsessively weigh myself. Its not normal.
I am writing this because it makes me sad when I see a number I dont like and I need to get over that. My clothes fit and some are too big. Thats a good thing! My best friend is so much better than me, she measures it my clothes not by a scale and I need to do this too!
I have also lagged lately on my eating. I am slowly venturing back into what I hated which was eating well all week and like crap on the weekends.
I am making a promise to myself to be better about this. No more pizza hut pizzas, no more pei wei.
I dont want any of you to do to yourself what I do. Dont obsess over a number, or thinking you need to hit some magic number that will make you happy.
I have learned that the number isnt gonna make me happy. Once I got to my “goal” I just wanted my goal to be lower.
I need to be happy with my lack of “perfection.”
What are all these rambles? Just things I’ve been thinking about. Judge me. Agree with me. Hate me. Whatever you need to do. I write this blog for me and I hope some of you relate to it a little.
I guess Thursdays are the days I post serious things….
I’m right there with you. Body image is a hard struggle! Hide that scale, my friend, you are gorgeous! 🙂
You’re in awesome shape! And I completely understand. I think everyone struggles with the number on the scale.
The number gets me, too! I weighed myself obsessively as well until my fiance told me I just had to stop. I don’t think I’m fat but I do think my arms are. And I don’t like my thighs. I’m working on them with exercise but no matter what I still think they could look different…so you are not alone!! 🙂 BUT one thing I have to say is it’s okay to let go once in a while! I eat healthy 90% of the time and the other 10% is for all the good stuff, ha! Cutting it all out will just make you want it more (or it does to me, haha!) so I have to give myself a little wiggle room. Anyway, I’m a new reader to your blog and I’m with Kate– you are gorgeous!!
Oh honey, you are definitely not the only one. It’s a sad statement, but this, I think, is probably more “normal” than those in the situation think it is.
“I need to be happy with my lack of perfection”–interesting. Interesting that you think this is a lack of perfection. Try to change that mindset and that’ll be step 1. 🙂
I know it is hard to see yourself as you really look in the mirror. I struggle with my weight and how to fix it all the time! Thanks for sharing!
4 times a day? throw that thing in the trash. i am in a thinking i’m ugly phase but the scale doesn’t make it better.
numbers on the scale are insignificant – they don’t deserve to have any power of you (though that is easier said than done)
Weight is such an easy thing to become obsessed with– think about what you eat all the time, beat yourself up for dessert or not working out, and then realize you’ve spent all day thinking about weight. It sucks. You’re not alone. At some point, I just had to decide to exercise and eat well (with an exception or two per week) and not worry about it anymore. It made it worse to constantly be thinking about it. You look great, but that’s not really the point. The point is for you to be comfortable, which is so hard to be. Good luck to you. (And hide your scale!! Lol. :))
You are definitely not the only one. I think a lot of people’s problems are they associate weight with fat. That is not always the case, lots of times weight is muscle or even bone mass. Always remember muscle weighs more than fat. I am at my highest weight right now that I have ever been and I am not super happy with my body only because I am getting older and know I can be in better shape, meaning more fit. I don’t need to be 100 lbs like I was in HS but I could be more toned.
“Once I got to my “goal” I just wanted my goal to be lower. “
Truth. I’m 5’6 with a super athletic build, and at one point a few years back I weighed about 110. There were rumors that I was starving myself/ dong blow. On one had, I figured I wasn’t fat anymore if those rumors were swirling, but I didn’t wanna be sickly either.
I think with body issues, no one will be satisfied.
You are not alone! I used to weigh myself everyday too, but have gotten in the habit of only weighing myself once a week. It was really tough at first, but I don’t worry about it as much anymore. The number obviously drives me crazy but I know I’m working on changing that. Hang in there! You look great!
It’s definitely a struggle and I am so guilty of the eating great during the week and let it all fall apart on the weekends. It’s amazing what 2 crappy days can do for all your hard work from the week.
It’s something I am working on too!
BDD is very real & very widespread. My first word of advice is for you to throw away your scale. If you can’t do that, hide it — weigh yourself ONCE a week, don’t jump on that scale everyday, that’s just feeding the disorder inside your head.
I went through high school suffering with BDD, both of my best friends had eating disorders and I felt like I needed to be tiny & watch my calories & my intake just like they were. It only got me to a scary point in life. You are lucky, girl, you have a man who loves you & thinks you’re beautiful no matter what.
Posts like this scare me, because I know how easily weighing yourself 4 times a day can turn into starving yourself or making yourself sick. It’s a slippery slope once you start it’s hard to stop. Talk to Chad about things, let him help you work through this because if you don’t stop it could get even worse & that’s scary!
Sorry for the lecture, I wanted to start by saying you weren’t alone, but you’re a real person & thinking of anyone going through what I & my friends went through just hurts.
XoXo
Throw that evil scale away!!!!
Stop what you’re doing and go read this blog right now!
http://mealsandmiles.com/2011/06/01/scales-lie/
Don’t let the scale rule your life 🙂
Oh big hugs girlfriend!! When I was 19, I lost 30 pounds my second semester of college–I wasn’t overweight to begin with really, but, I could have lost maybe 10-15, not 30! My dad sent my sister out to check on me on a regular basis and it was hard recovering from that. Of course, I then went in the opposite direction and gained most of it all back, but, the funny thing was, I still fit in most of my super skinny clothes, I gained it back the healthy way, I was working out and gaining muscle. Of course, all this was years ago, and now, I’m not as skinny as I once was, I’m not as overweight as I once was, I’m just, me. I could use some muscle tone and a few inches gone, but, that day will come. Hopefully.
Annnnd, I just wrote you a small novel. Hmph.
I think that this is a great post! The scale does control a lot of women, more than it should! I weigh myself 1 time a day, first thing in the morning, and I don’t do it everyday. I know that no matter what I do during the rest of the day, the number will just go up, so I try not to obsess. I am trying to be more healthy after getting up to my heaviest. I am just doing the things that make me feel great about myself, working out and eating better!! I feel great! Don’t beat yourself up for having a crap day, just do better the next day! One thing I do know is my husband will love me NO matter what! And even at my heaviest, when I was embarrased to be naked in front of him, he never judged!! You can do it!! Hide the scale during the week, you are a gorgeous girl!!!
Great post. You are beautiful and a great weight. Do not get discouraged or down on yourself. Have you ever read the book, “the secret.” I think it could help you. Don’t weigh yourself 4 times a day… nothing good can come from that. Only weigh in the morning if you must. Just keep telling yourself how beautiful you are and only think of the positive things. 🙂
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I am the same way… I too have had to see a therapist for sort of the same thing… basically an eating disorder my senior year in high school. I think we learn to control it and then those feelings come and go. I think it will always be something we will fight. But you are beautiful…
I know exactly what you mean. I suggest throwing the scale out. I use to obsessively weigh myself everyday….it’s just a number though and it really means nothing. I don’t know how I overcame it…wish I could give some advice, but I guess I just gradually grew out of it. I don’t even know how much I weight, but as long as you feel good it doesn’t matter. You look great, by the way!
I am totally 100% in your shoes.
I know I’m not the smallest or prettiest, but I know I should be happy and very content where I am. But I’mnot. I am constantly looking at other girls and thinking “If I could just lose X amount more weight then I’d….” and it is a never ending process.
I like your post today though. It really hit hot and has made me take a second look at myself.
I only weigh myself once a week. I think that is plenty. I don’t think you need any more than that. I do however think it is important to weigh yourself once week though. Because if you start gaining weight or loosing a lot of weight then you are doing something wrong. But you should not obsess over it. I have never obsessed over food. I eat what I want with in reason. But I must workout 6 days a week. If I don’t then I feel just awful. So my obsession is excercise. I just like being active. But I think I make it too much of a priority at times.
I have obsessed over my weight for almost 40 years. I remember in the second grade Scott Becktall tell me I was fat. (I wasn’t) But ever since, in my head I was fat. And now, well I am. I have yo-yo dieted and obsessively exercised over the years and have never been happy with my weight. While I eat better than ever, I hate to exercise and struggle to fit it into my life.
That said, I decided this year to be happy with myself. Period. Accept who I am now. While I wish I looked like a model, I don’t and never will. My goal is to be healthy and happy not “thin”
I love your Thursday serious posts! 🙂 You are not alone! I do not know why we feel like we all have to be “perfect” in our body image, but I feel the same way, and once I hit a number that I think I’m satisfied with on the scale, I pick a new LOWER number. So it’s a never ending vicious cycle. I think I like Michelle’s idea – maybe I’ll start judging by how my clothes fit instead of what the scale says. I obsessively weigh myself too, and some days it totally makes or breaks my day. I’m here for you, LOVE you!
Girl, I respect the heck outta ya for having the courage to write this. I was a cheerleader for 13 yrs of my life and weighed about 105 lbs soaking wet, I’m 5’5″ tall. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder and eventually hit rock bottom. Now, I am at a healthy weight but from the words of my doctor “stay away from the scale”. As long as you are active and you weigh yourself once every 2 weeks you are fine. Women cannot beat themselves up over weight anymore, it’s just not healthy! I personally think you are gorgeous:o)
Neely, you are gorgeous and have an amazing body! I understand to need to be perfect and skinny, as I went through that in high school. I ate very little, and exercised a lot. I was super thin, but very unhappy. When I met Timmy, he helped me look at myself differently. He helped me see that being thin isnt being perfect. I am now a little chubbs, but I have never been happier. I do find myself wanting to be thinner though, and it scares me to think I’ll go back to starving myself to be thin. It’s a stuggle for the rest of our lives! I am so sorry you are going through this girl, and i hope one day soon, you can see how beautiful you are and stop beating yourself up about eating 9 chips! If you ever need to talk, I am here for you Neely!
Body image is something I always struggle with.. I don’t own a scale for that very reason. I hate the way my stomach looks.. but I still indulge in way to much pizza hut pizza. Definitely need to work on that one.. but just know you are not alone! Everyone struggles with it!
Neely – you are gorgeous and don’t let the scale tell you otherwise. But, I do know that what you are going through and have been through is real and you writing about it on your blog for the world to see is so strong of you!
Oh goodness, this is a tough thing, isn’t it? This is something I have struggled with since high school. When I was younger, I was so active that I could eat anything I wanted and not gain a single pound. After my second back surgery, I was unable to do so many physical activities that I started gaining a little. I have really struggled over the last couple of years with feeling good about the way I look. Even as I’ve been losing some weight lately in a healthy way, I still don’t think I will ever totally love the way I look.
I also think that the media’s opinion of what beautiful looks like makes it really hard for us normal girls to feel good about the way we look.
Just want you to know that you definitely aren’t alone in feeling this way, but also know that you ARE beautiful!
It’s nice to feel not alone. I am 25 now but have been obsession with my weight since I was in Kindergarten… yes, you read that right. I think all the so called “harmless” family teasing really did a number on me… I have always fluctuated heavily with my weight and I went through a scary period before my junior prom where the only thing I ate for a month and a half was a small bag full of carrots per day… SCARY. I now have reversed and when I am feeling bad or whatever about myself I comfort it with food. Mind you I have lost 100 lbs since having my daughter a few years ago. I am smaller now than before I even got pregnant with her. I feel like I still have a ways to go but I am at a constant battle with myself. I also constantly weigh myself… hell sometimes it may be 4 times a day! I HATE IT. I cry, too, and often… I relate to you sooooo much!
I think we are all our own worst critic bodywise!
I am having a hard time this pregnancy because its hard to step on the scale and see I have gained a few pounds which is silly because I CAN gain a few pounds and should! But still its hard. I had such a hard time losing the fifty pounds I gained with Colt, that I guess I just dont want to go there again.
Anyways, you look great!! But I know its still hard. Ahhhh the pressure of being female.
We will all never be perfect. I look at you and see this gorgeous girl and I would KILL for your body. You should not beat yourself up over a few pounds. Your weight will shift from day to day for various reasons. I do like your friends idea of the clothes. Do what makes you feel good. Don’t only eat healthy food, treat yourself once a week. Eat what you want. You are gorgeous !!
I am sure you look beautiful just the way you are:)
I struggle with the same things! Although, I see a number on the scale and say “ok, I can’t let this get ANY higher” and then a few months later, there it is. I have the hardest time with self discipline. I do make healthy food choices but I lack in exercise. I think you are awesome for having a good handle on both! Way to go! Thanks for sharing on this serious topic!
You are always your own worst critic and body image issues are extremely hard to deal with. Kudos to you for putting this out there for all us ladies to see [who probably all deal with these issues — myself included].
totally understand friend…i am weird about the scale too and definitely weight myself everyday…i just can’t help it! but it’s something we have to stay on top of so it doesn’t get out of control and we don’t feel guilty for indulging in ice cream/pizza/etc every once in awhile–glad you posted this =)
You should be SO proud of all the hard work you’ve put in. I know how you feel though…Even at my thinnest, I was never satisfied. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that I’m not quite as hard on myself. : )
First off, you’re a beautiful person inside and out, and you should know that!
Second, I somewhat understand. I’m at a point in my life where I finally broke free of the scale.. but I used to weigh myself multiple times daily. I was so obsessed with that number; I’ve danced my whole life, a bit professionally, and I’ve never had the “typical” dancers body. I was always trying to be something else, make my body into something it just naturally can’t do (yeaa, these hips aren’t going away!), and it got so bad that I had bouts of eating disorders in college. Sure, the number got really low.. but I was still obsessed, wanted it lower. It’s hard to break free from that. I won’t go on about what to do to help it, but just know that I (as well as many other of your followers and friends, evidently) totally get it 🙂 Keep those positive people around!!
Just like age, weight is just a number! What is most important is how you feel about yourself – and we all struggle with it, that’s for sure. You are a beautiful person, inside and out! I heart you!
Wow 39 comments! That must make you feel better! I thought in the past Chad supported you eating healthy.
Well first off you are beautiful! But I understand. Its something we all struggle with!
This post is so beautifully honest. I know that the scale can determine my happiness for the day and I’m right there with you about the beating yourself up over not eating right. You’re such a gorgeous and fun girl and I have to commend you for writhing this, so true and such a good reminder! Happy Friday Eve 🙂
my scale pisses me off, so i tend to avoid it. you are definitely not alone though- i think most women struggle with body image issues!
I try not to weigh myself every day anymore. It’s especially difficult being pregnant because it’s out of my control and the number goes up continuously. Even though I know it’s still a healthy amount for the baby, it’s hard to watch my weight go up. I think a lot of us have this battle of body image issues and it really is a matter of balancing being happy with who we are, as we are and trying to be healthy at the same time.
I think everyone can relate to at least something in this post. We all have things we don’t like about ourselves and would want to change. That scale sucks and that’s why I avoid it and probably why I eat the way I do.
I’ve been trying so hard to get on track with my eating and YOU have helped me do that these last few months. Hear that? You INSPIRE ME to eat better, exercise and be healthy. Not starve, but eat right.
You are beautiful and you have all of us bloggers behind you 100%. We’re here anytime you need to talk. 😀 xoxoxo
I do the same thing. I started beating myself up more than usual a few months ago. So, I set my scale to negative 3 pounds so I don’t feel so bad when I look at the number staring back at me. This is the very reason we still have an old school scale with a dial you can set and not a digital one!
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I’m similar to you, except that I obsess over how terrified I am of the scale…so I almost never get over it and fear dr. visits just for the scale part. I’m also bad about being good during the week and losing it all on the weekend. I feel like sometimes you just deserve a break, but everything in moderation, I guess. I think it’s all a tough balancing act. I don’t want to be skinny and unhappy, but I don’t want to be overweight and happy (been there.. freshman year of college.. oh my). Good luck with finding your happy balance!
We all do it, I bet. I never weigh myself, but I totally judge my weight by my clothes. Whenever anything gets even remotely a little tight, here comes the internal lectures!
I’m pretty sure I once argued with myself for 24 hours over 1 pound (or what felt like 1 pound).
Body image is hard, but you truly are in wonderful shape and beautiful. Easier said than done, but don’t beat yourself up too much about a little pizza here and there. It’s great to indulge once in a while! We only live once, so may as well enjoy some of the amazing foods that surround use everyday. 🙂
YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL AND I LOVE YOU! <3
I hardly ever weigh myself for this exact reason. I’m never going to be happy with me weight…and I’ve learned to accept my body for the way it is, because I’m never going to be that 120 pound girl I was in high school.
You should feel proud that you’ve lost 20 pounds, it’s something that most people can’t and never will accomplish. You are an amazing woman :), just keep telling yourself that!
Thanks for being so candid and posting this. I think a lot of people struggle with this, and it’s good to know that we’re not alone.
When I was a sophomore in high school I went through a phase where I didn’t eat much. I just wanted to be skinny and to look good. And I can get obsessive about things like that. It only lasted for a little while, and I’ve been pretty healthy since that point. But I really obsess over the number on the scale too, so we simply don’t own one. This is the best solution for me 🙂 If I feel good when I look in the mirror, and if my clothes are fitting me all right, then I try to be okay with that.
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