I must preface this post by saying these are my opinions and you do not have to agree with me and honestly I don’t care what anyone thinks about what I am about to say.
I do not want kids.
Sure that may change at some point but right now I 100% do not want kids.
Why?
Because I am selfish. Chad and I have a discussion about being selfish often. Both of us agree that being selfish is not a bad thing. I feel like the word selfish has this stigma to it. That being selfish makes you a bad person.
Here’s the deal: I like my sleep, I like to spend my money on what I want to spend it on, I like my time with my friends, I like my time with Chad, I like my alone time. These are things that I don’t want to change. Having a kid or having kids would change all of these things A LOT. I do not want that.
I am 28 years old and have zero desire to be a mother. I have an amazing mom. I mean AMAZING mom. She has been my biggest supporter, cheerleader, confidant and best friend. I am lucky to have her and if…BIG IF I ever had a child I hope to be half the mother she is. So no the reasoning is not that I had some crappy life and crappy parents. I have the best parents/family in the world. I am beyond blessed.
I just started a job I love. I am finally at a place in my life that feels super stable. No more grad school. NO more looking for jobs or working part time(god willing).
But motherhood? Nope doesn’t appeal to me.
Yes I am that person who gets annoyed in restaurants and on airplanes when kids are loud. I get pissed when Im at a movie and kid cries, kicks my seat or is obnoxious. I feel like there are times and places for children to be out and about.
Growing up we dined at nice restaurants on a regular basis, and we were taken to the mall, movies, grocery stores etc. I think my mom would have backhanded me so quick if I acted the way I see children act today.
I digress…
I get a lot of crap when I say I dont want kids.
I get a lot of “What?!?” “How could you say that?”
Well Im being honest. Is honesty a bad thing?
Does it make me a bad person for saying flat out that it doesn’t interest me to have kids?
No. Does it make me selfish? NO!
I see these girls on 16 and pregnant and Teen Mom having kids and you know what I think they are selfish. They are selfish for keeping kids that clearly they have no business raising instead of giving the children to families that would do anything in their power to have a baby. It disgusts me…yes I still watch.
Anyways…my point in all of this is that its OK to be honest about things you want or don’t want that are out of the “norm.” No one should ever make you feel bad for just wanting to take a different path.
Who knows how I will feel in five years or 10 years but now….its just not for me.
Do you ever feel like people look down on your for your decisions?
I want a baby … but I honestly think that I only want one. I don’t want a big family, and I don’t know if I even want two babies. But I want one. and my mom gives me a hard time because I only want one because she says it isn’t “fair” that the baby would be an only child and have no one to play with. but it is my choice.
I’m right where you are. I’m 37 and don’t want kids. So I got my tubes tied. I got some serious flack for it too. I’ve heard it all: you need to fulfill your biological Imperitave…. ALL women want kids… You’ll regret it later…
Bravo for making the decision!!
I’m envious that you found someone to do the tubal ligation for you at 37 years old. My OB/GYN denied me at 37 years old after insisting that I was too young and I’d regret it someday. Grrr! I’m almost 40 years old (this Monday!) and I still have absolutely zero desire to have a baby. I’m so glad I found this post today. It makes me feel a lot less alone.
I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with not having children – it’s a completely personal decision and one that I would not categorize as selfish (and I’m a mother).
I will tell you this: what you’ve highlighted above as negative attributes to having children are definitely worst-case-scenarios. Sure you do give up a little sleep and maybe you don’t have as much extra time as you did before, but my husband and I have been able to juggle baby, personal lives, and careers – all while providing enough support and love to our child. Maybe I’m an optimist, but I’m a believer that you can still have a child and maintain your personal identity and have it all.
Chelsea
http://www.hautechildinthecity.com
I think it’s pretty great that you can be honest and not care. I am such a people pleaser…obviously I wouldn’t have a child because someone else wanted me to, but I am crossing my fingers that we do not get pregnant again because I am worried about the reactions from family. Which sucks. I am married with a 2 year old and I still tread lightly sometimes. Good for you for knowing exactly what you want and living your life for you. 🙂
There is nothing wrong with not wanting kids. It’s your decision and no one has the right to judge you. I think it’s great that you are so honest about it and that your husband feels the same as you. 🙂
Good post, you sound like me- straight and to the point, take it or leave it. I’m SO irritated with the way people treat me for deciding we are only going to have ONE kid. People suck. Enjoy living life the way you want to. We are only having one child for the same reason, we are selfish, and i even said it in my post about it! Hopefully those people that annoy you will read this 🙂
OMG I wrote something almost exactly like this last year. I am 27 and have absolutely 0 interest in having children and luckily found a man who feels the same way! I get A LOT of shit for it too but I have finally just started to just let people say what they want and eventually they will just have to deal with it.
So happy I found your blog! While I personally want kids, I so admire people who are honest about not wanting them. It is so much better to acknowledge that than to have kids just because others think you should….and then not be happy. Good for you for standing up for yourself 🙂
I applaud you for realizing that you feel this way now and not AFTER having a baby (or two!) Everything you said rings 100% true. Being a mother is a SELFLESS job.. there isn’t much room at all to be SELFISH (although it is imperative to squeeze in ME-time).. Just not nearly in the same quantity (or quality) that it was once before babies. I just keep reminding myself that I will still be young when my boys go off to college and will have plenty of time to gain back some of that selfish-me time. Sigh. I just have to wait 20 years.. 😉
I know exactly what you mean!! I am not sure if I want kids either, and I agree with your reasons that you listed. I also cannot believe the way people allow their children to act in public these days. When I was a kid and my mom took me out I was not to touch ANYTHING or talk back to anyone. These days I see kids running around taking things off shelves, talking back to store employees, its ridiculous. If I acted out like that when I was a kid, my mom would grab me and leave immediately.
Good job for putting yourself out there and I really commend you for your honesty, Neely!! One of our best friend couples DO NOT want kids either and I totally respect their (and your) decision. It is SUCH a big, huge, enormous decision to come to (especially with society telling you that you have to be “married and have two kids before the age of 30”) and I’m glad that you’re strong enough to listen to yourself 🙂
I love that you are honest! I’m a mom and would love a house full of kids, but that’s me. I respect your decision to live your life the way you see fit for you! It’s a personal decision and no one has any business telling you or anyone else what they should do in regards to kids!
Also, totally agree with how certain kids act in public these days. I would have gotten in trouble so fast! Not to mention there are just some places kids should not be. End of story.
I feel each couple has their own decision as to having a child or children. Shane and I can NOT have kids at all and honestly we don’t know if want to adopt or anything to that. I like fast cars and jacked up trucks and i love traveling. I couldn’t have the things that I do or travel like we want if we have kids. So I definitely understand where you are coming from.
I don’t see how anyone could judge you for something so personal. If you don’t want to have kids that’s between you and your partner. Parenting is a huge responsibility and if you’re not in a place in your life where that’s something you want, then there is no reason anyone else should try and pressure you or make you feel bad about it. They should applaud you for realizing that you’re not ready for kids if anything! My fiance and I have zero interest in having kids any time soon for the same reasons, we’re 25 and 27. We want to enjoy time together, we want to sleep, we want to travel, we want to have the option to pick up and move 200 miles away if an awesome job opportunity arises, we want to have lives so we’re not those people saying “We wish we had waited for kids…” which seems all too common anymore.
Good for you for knowing what you want! And especially for being confident enough in your decision to be honest and not allow anyone else to impact that decision.
Love this and you! Still no kids for us!
I cannot stand when people judge others for a personal decision. Mine for one is that I do not really drink. I mean I’ll have the occasional glass of winem but for the most part, I’m not a drinker. This drives people nuts. They constantly ask you if you want a drink, or just decide to order you one. I think its because they feel uncomfortable. People I do not care of you drink, I just prefer not to expend my calories that way. Point is its a choice, so respect it. I applaud for you for knowing what you want.
YES!!! I have never been drunk and this baffles people! I will have a very occasional glass of wine if it fits with a meal but I have no interest in ‘drinking’ and I can’t tell you how much of an outcast this makes me feel like. I have no judgement against others that do – my husband loves to indulge – but it’s not for me. Totally glad to see your comment. It really is all about respect for other people’s decisions whether or not you agree. : )
I’m with you on this one, girl! While I haven’t decided that I am 100% not having kids, I can say that I am 100% not having kids anytime soon. I can’t even bring myself to watch Teen Mom/16 & Pregnant because I just feel so bad for the kids and so angry at the “parents”.
I don’t think not having kids is selfish, I think making that kind of decision is just being honest. You know what you can/want to provide. If you can’t/don’t want to provide what a child needs, you shouldn’t be reproducing.
Oh, and every time I go to Target I want kids a little less. They’re so misbehaved!
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids. Society sees it as “not normal” so of course they have to be rude about it. Whatever. People suck. If you and C are happy, that’s good enough for me! 🙂
I actually don’t think it’s selfish to not want kids. It’s merely a preference, and no one should judge you for that. How does that affect them anyway?
I have been repeatedly judged for one of my life decisions. Even my best friends think it’s a bit unrealistic. But I have to live with my decisions, so I’m not giving in just because others think they’r wrong.
I am with you on not having kids. It might change in the future, but right now I just don’t want the lifestyle change. My sister just had a baby 2 weeks ago and seeing A) what she went through giving birth and B) how they do nothing but feedings and sleeping and diaper changes, I just don’t have the desire to have one. I even hold the baby (who is the cutest thing ever) and I still don’t get the baby bug.
And misbehaving kids is the worst thing ever. Sometimes I think the parents should be smacked around just because they let their kids run around like crazy people.
I don’t think it’s selfish. I think it’s quite smart. You know your life and it’s limitations right now. In fact, I think it would be selfish for you to have kids at this juncture since it’s obviously not something for you.
I really wonder what my mother hood time line would have been had I not became pregnant in high school. I made my choice at such an early age without really considering the bigger picture. I just knew what I could handle, right then. ya know? And I resent the hell out of people who judge me for those choices. I try my damnedest not to do the same. That whole “walking a mile in people’s shoes” thing..
As someone who struggled for 11 years to have a child, I obviously don’t get where you are coming from but who cares what I think? Or what anyone thinks. I’ll be honest with you though, your priorities change when you become a mom. I’m not saying you don’t want to sleep in or spend money on a lot of things you want but you have something you deem more important. Being a mom definitely isn’t for everyone but the most joyous things in my life have come from having our daughter. Good for you for knowing what you want, or don’t want. 😉
This post speaks to me on so many levels because Mike and I go back and forth all of the time. We have so many friends and family that think it’s crazy that we live downtown and since we’re married, why aren’t we buying a house in the suburbs, etc??? There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting kids and enjoying your life the way you want!
I think it’s awesome you know what you want.
I have a 6 year old. And no plans for any more. Everyone is shocked. Absolutely shocked. I hear such horrible things. Like my marriage must be in trouble since we haven’t had one. (My husband isn’t my child’s biological father) That I “owe” my husband a child of his own. (He’s been in my child’s life since she was a baby) That I must be infertile. That I obviously don’t love my husband enough. That I am robbing my child of important things.
Yeah, people can be mean.
We’re moving to Europe next year. Do I really want to weigh us down with another child? No not at all. But it seems in the community I live in, having children is the way you signify your love for your spouse and worth as a person.
Then again I also have a full time job which I get a LOT of flack about.
I totally understand and I don’t think you’re being selfish. I think you are actually being very Unselfish. You’re not having a child simply as a status symbol or because it is what is the logical next step in society’s eyes. You are choosing that you are not interested in that aspect of life.
To have a child simply because its the thing to do is selfish in my eyes.
Good for you! I never wanted kids. I liked them, I’d watch others but I never really wanted my own. Although, when we did get pregnant, I warmed up to the idea and I could never imagine my life without her now but I dont think I want another. Being pregnant again does not appeal to me even though I had a perfect, complications free pregnancy and labor, I just dont think its right for me again. If it happens, I know I wont hate it, but Im definately not planning on another one!
You and I have had this conversation before … I do not think you are being selfish by not wanting kids. I think you are being UNSELFISH actually. Selfish would be to have a kid and neglect them/not take care of them properly because you still want your sleep/clothes/vaca/whatever. I think you are amazingly awesome to put it out there and be honest about it.
To each her own. I always wanted at least 3 kids, I got pregnant, had a beautiful little girl and now my husband and I decided we only want one. Kids aren’t for everyone. Who cares what other people think. Do what is best for you.
I love this – love your honesty. I hate how there’s so much pressure on women to have kids – SOME PEOPLE DON’T WANT THEM, and I think it’s great that you’re confident enough to say that out loud. I never understood why it’s expected for women to automatically want to be moms.
I had multiple attacks when I was pregnant about, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY LIFE?! I’ve always been a selfish person, and I like doing what I want, when I want it, and I was horrified to think about NOT being able to do that anymore, but I knew I still wanted kids, so it was a necessary evil. So far, it has not been what I expected – he blended into our family perfectly and the only time I get selfishly annoyed is bedtime when I want to blog and watch TV rather than get a squirmy baby to sleep hahaha 🙂 But I’m sure many more sacrifices are on their way!
And I TOTALLY agree with you on kids being obnoxious in public. Actually, I generally can’t stand other people’s kids hahaha. There seems to be a general sense today of “I have kids, I deserve special treatment, they’re kids, what kind of behavior do you expect?” And just like you, if I behaved in public the same way as many kids today, OH BOY, look out. You def need to get your kids used to being out in public and behaving, which comes with practice, but there’s also standards for approriate behavior.
Yes, I say all this now like it’s no thing, when I have a generally well-behaved baby. We’ll see what tune I’m singing in another few months when I have a defiant toddler.
People always feel it’s ok for some reason to comment on certain things. If you’re single it’s are you dating, if you’re dating it’s when is the wedding, once you’re married it’s so where are the kids, and then after one kid it’s when is the next coming. It drives me up a wall. My husband and I don’t want any children and we get questions about it all the time. Some people even make it seem like I am keeping my husband from being complete and getting to be a Father. His feelings on no kids are even stronger than mine! I’ve always said I was meant to be the best Aunt ever, Mother not so much 🙂 Good for you for knowing what you want, not deciding kids because you know you don’t want to be a mother isn’t selfish. It’s making the right decision for you!
I say whats good for one person may not be good for you! Everyone is entitles to there own opinion and you are being honest about this situation. No your not selfish, it would be selfish for you to bring a baby in this world, and not be the best mama that you can be. I was once there, where I didnt want any children, when me and my hubby got engaged i let him know right then he was fine with it, because he loved me, but them God stepped in and now we have 6 kiddies, 5 boys and 1 baby girl and 2 of them are twins, so God really socked it to me. but I wouldnt change it. Dont worry about what other people say if its negative, because you are the only person who knows what is best for you!
I love you and love you more for this post! Having kids isn’t for everyone, and I applaud you for being honest about this 🙂 I’m still your friend even if you don’t want kids. Not everyone wants to get married either. Not everyone wants the same things, so having kids isn’t any different to me 🙂 Happy Monday!
my husband and i got married in may and we do not want to have children. since we’re still newlyweds, we haven’t started getting all of the “so… when are you having kids?” questions yet, but i know they’re coming. it’s really difficult to explain our decision to someone who i know is judging me. i agree with some of the other comments… it isn’t selfish, it’s just merely a personal preference. 🙂
I’m the same way and my future mother-in-law isn’t exactly understanding. Kudos for standing up for it!
I totally agree. While, I would love to have children *some* day, right now if MY time. And, yes, sounds selfish, but it’s not really? If I am not living my life rich and full, why live?
Visiting you from the Rosebud Network! Can’t wait to sip my Starbucks Chai and delve into your deliciously cute blog!
XOXO
My husband and I felt this way all thru dating. We talked all the time and how w loved our life and we were ok with being “selfish” until we were ready to try for our football team 🙂 kudos to u guys for acknowledging it! Then just like that we both wanted to try for kids and it happened. Like u said maybe ull change ure mind maybe u wont. I agree that those 16 and pregnant girls in their own cases are the “selfish” ones!!
I don’t think it makes you selfish to say you don’t want to have kids. You know what you want. That’s a good thing
I love this post! I live in a town where most people are married and have at least one child by the time they’re 25. I’m 26, unmarried, and I do not have children. I’m definitely in the minority around here. I’m in no hurry! I don’t even want to think about it until I’m over 30. I’m terrible without my sleep, I love having “me time”, and I love having extra money to spend on what I want. I always feel guilty because mine and my boyfriend’s parents are basically counting on us to have their grandchildren. I’m an only child and my boyfriend has a sister with Down Syndrome. It’s a lot of pressure especially for something that I’m not sure I want. Thank you for being so honest!
I commend you for your honesty. There are millions of children all over the world with no parents, parents who can’t afford to feed them, parents who can’t afford to cloth them and give them shelter, parents who choose not to take care of them and so on and so forth. How is deciding that you don’t want to be a mother a choice to be criticized? It is not for everyone! I would rather women say No, I am selfish, I don’t want children then have women running around with a bunch of children they aren’t sure they want and end up not properly loving them and caring for them. Honesty is policy and your honesty on this subject should not be judged – it is simply a choice and a choice I totally respect.
My husband and I will have kids in the (far) future but right now we are totally enjoying not having kids. We just bought a Mini Cooper to restore, we’re taking off to Oregon for a few days next week and we totally live it up. I get crap from my grandma and aunt about why we haven’t started having kids yet. Well, it’s for the same reason you don’t want kids at all: We’re selfish. I actually like to think of it as making a really responsible life choice but selfish is the word people use most often to describe why kids aren’t for them (which is kind of unfortunate to me). We’re about 5 or 6 years out even trying for kids though, much to the chagrin of some of my family members…whatevs though. While a bunch of people my age are chasing kids I’ll be dancing, working, restoring a car with my husband, traveling and figuring out me. Sounds a lot better to do those things now then wait until after the kids happen.
I think it is great that you have your decision. It is your decision. Why should it matter to anyone else if you do or do not want kids. It sounds like your partner in life is fine with it – you are fine with it so enjoy your decision.
I have a BFF that didn’t want children for the longest I always supported her decision and was happy that she was honest with her self as to why she didnt.
Good for you!
I think that this is an awesome post and I definitely love your honesty Neely, I love that you are so happy and that you are in such a great place in your life, and I definitely have some different choices that I’ve made that aren’t in the “normal” definition of society, I am saving myself for marriage which is looked down upon I think by a lot of people, and so I definitely understand the “not normal” decision making lol.
I value my sleep too totally in the sense of that I am really worried that I will morph into worlds worst parent if I don’t get my 7hrs. Seems silly but that is a huge fear of mine should I ever become a parent. I can’t help but wonder how I will ever function since I am very dependent on my hours of sleep. Sounds ridiculous but it’s what and who I am in need to function! LOL There is nothing wrong with being honest about it! Kudos to you!
Good for you for not being afraid to speak your opinion! It’s your life and no one should judge you for your own choices! My husband and I have been together for 10 years, 4 of which we’ve been married. I get the question ALL the time “when are you guys going to have kids?” I am 26 and enjoying my life as it is now. I do want children in my lifetime, just not right now and people don’t understand that.
I (and my husband) have the EXACT same outlook. No kids for us. Nothing wrong with our choice either.
I haven’t wanted kids since I was like 16. Would I love to foster yes. Am I selfish yes. Do I like my income hell yes. I love my nieces to death but I don’t think being a mom is cut out for me. I totally get where you’re coming from and this is your choice. Tons of couples don’t have kids. That doesn’t make you a bad person. In my opinion too many kids have been born and shouldn’t have been. Too many parental become parents for the wrong reasons.
I hate it when people try to tell me and my husband what to do & when we need to be doing it… Sometimes others just don’t realize that everyone has to live their own lives their own way, so I have a TON of respect for you and your decision, being honest with yourself is the best thing that anyone can do!! 🙂
<3 Melissa
Everyone should do what’s right for them. My husband and I decided to have a baby and we are due in October. I have one friend left who has doesn’t have any kids and is really feeling the pressure from her family and other friends (I’m not judging her, they have fun, spend their money on things the enjoy, etc) I keep telling her there is no written rules that you have to procreate! Everyone has their own plan, we decided to have kids however how many, who knows? We shall see when this one comes out and how we do as parents.
Love your honesty! So glad Meghan tweeted about your post!
I have always wanted two kids but as I get older (I’m 27) I have started to change my mind…my husband always wanted one and only one – and it’s purely for selfish reasons, too. He’s always wanted to make sure he can still live his life the way he wants to without the financial or time ‘guilt’ that he believes might come with more children. He wants to make sure we can provide the best life possible for one child and ourselves as opposed to having to possibly cut back on certain things if we had more. I totally see his side as I get older and we get more settled in our life together. I’m now not stuck either way on two, one or even no kids.
I have to admit that even typing this out makes me feel like my husband and I are bad people but it really is the negative stigma of being selfish and wanting to ‘enjoy’ your life. I don’t doubt that kids will bring us much enjoyment as well, just in a different way and we have to be willing to accept that.
I couldn’t have said it better myself! I always tell my husband I feel bad for being selfish and wanting him to myself and everything in our lives to remain the same (for right now). I’m so happy someone else feels the exact way I do!!!!
http://lovebird59.blogspot.com/
I am so glad you posted this! I go through this all the time. Tim and I have NEVER wanted children (I don’t remember if you and I talked about this is NY). However, we’re open to the fact that our opinions might change later down the road when we’re married or more financially stable. When I tell people I don’t want kids I get really weird looks and sometimes mean things said to me. So I totally feel your pain. I was told once that I have a personality defect because I didn’t want kids. Seriously!! I get so frustrated when I see people who can’t even afford to feed themselves popping out 2 or 3 kids and living off our tax money and yet no one says a thing. But I say no I don’t want them and I’m looked at like I committed a crime.
I don’t love kids. I love my friends kids. Most kids I just cant stand because their parents raise them to be complete obnoxious lunatics. I work in a place where 8 out of 10 kids I see are inconsiderate and run circles around their parents because they’re allowed to. Why do kids need an iPad to watch in order to get through dinner and chug 3 cups of soda in 10 minutes? It’s scary. I digress.
Anyway, I agree with all of your reasons for not having kids. I feel the same way. I want to travel, buy the things I want, sleep in. But I also know how hard it’s been for me since the recession and our debt is getting worse. Our children are going to have a really hard time and to be honest I’m not sure I want to bring a child into this world.
You are not alone and now we have yet another thing in common. Don’t let anyone trample on your thoughts and beliefs.
You are right love, I DO love this post! And I love that you’re getting some awesome comments like my post did. Its always amazing how you get one reception in “real life” and then a completely different one in the blogosphere! I think its awesome that you know what you want. The worst is people that cave to expectations, and aren’t happy. I know a couple like that. They love their kid of course, but not the life they’d planned…
xoxo
As a parent I honestly can’t understand your point of view.
But your choice, your life.
I wasn’t ready to have kids when I was pregnant with my son. But I can’t imagine my life without him.
It’s too bad you get annoyed with loud kids in a restaurant or on a plane. I personally would never take my baby to a movie but we like to enjoy a good meal and travel once in awhile too. We do our best to not disturb other customers but sometimes things happen. It’s life.
I don’t think you’re wrong. And I can see your perspective, although mine is slightly different. My Hubby and I have not had children yet. We’ve been in school, he’s been gone on deployments, and although I’ve seen far too many people get married and have babies right away ( and I don’t disagree with people doing that), it just isn’t for us. We’ve wanted to be financially secure. But the biggest thing, is that I’m selfish too. And I don’t think that it’s wrong. We will have kids someday, I’ve wanted to be a Mom since I was 3. But, right now, I want to spend that time with just my husband and it just be us for a little longer because that will change.
I don’t think your perspective or opinion is wrong! If this is the life that you love and that fulfills you, then who cares what other people think. It isn’t going to kill them that you’re living your life the way you and your husband want. I think it takes a lot to go against what everyone else thinks is the right thing to do! I’m glad that you’ve figured it out and have gotten to the point of peace! 🙂
I think it’s great that you know you don’t want kids! I think that being honest about it great! It shows to others that it’s okay for them to be that way too! Some people I know shouldn’t have had kids because they put themselves before the child and that should not ever happen. A couple I know very well are in their 30’s and have no desire for children. It’s okay not everyone needs kids. Kudos to you Neely! Oh and it’s great that you and your bf are on the same level!
Hey I don’t think it is a bad thing that you don’t want kids… to each their own! Doesn’t bother me one bit…
Deciding whether you want to become a parent or not is a completely personal decision. I commend you for knowing what you want! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not having kids. I’m 28 and don’t have any, and at the current moment… Having kids just isn’t an option, my life is not suited towards parenthood at ALL at this juncture… 5 years down the road? Maybe, we’ll see.
I am happy that you posted about this! I love when people are not afraid to post their honest feelings, knowing that some people are going to disagree and tell you your opinions and feelings are wrong. I do want children, I actually and pregnant now, and desire to have a large family. Where I am now, I feel like people are looking down on me because I want to have a job(full or part-time,doesn’t matter) I want to have social interaction with adults, without a kid crying in my ear or tugging on my pant leg. In my town, I am getting a lot of crap for not wanting to be a SAHM and letting someone else “raise” my child. People are harsh, thanks for posting!
Wow! I admire you for how open you are in this post! & you are right I think selfish is having a child and being resentful and taking it out on an innocent child. I am 28 and just married & just found out I will have to work a lil Harder than most for a child. Honestly, I am ok with either outcome. I would be an awesome mom but I would also be awesome at sleeping in, spending my own money on me etc etc & I get annoyed at all those things too! Which makes me wonder if I should have children! Lol anyway I am always curious how people don’t catch the baby fever and I love this post. Sorry for all the rambling 🙂
i’ll remember this for when you bring that sweet bundle home and cry like a baby hahahahahaha
Love this ^^ LOL
We are in the exact same boat. We love kids, but 100% do not want our own right now. I’m 24, I think that is too young to have kids anyways, but we also get some judgement from people. Usually, it’s from people who I think have no business having kids. I’ll admit it, I’m judgmental too but I think it’s irresponsible to have kids without the financial means to take care of them properly. And, right now, I want to be selfish with my time, money and career. Kids don’t fit in that picture.
I feel exactly the same way! I was so psyched to read your post because everyone I meet thinks I’m weird too and it’s a total drag. HIGH FIVE!!!
I understand what you are saying. I think if I were to of had a blog 5 years ago, I probably would have said the same things. I’ve gone back and forth on this and it finally came down to I don’t want to regret not having children. It’s not a risk that I am willing to take. It’s something too important. And I’ve never heard anyone say they regret their kids. I’ll be 28 this year and I am in no hurry to start busting out any babies anytime soon but I know it’s an experience that I’d be lucky to have- one day.
I love your openness and honesty. From the age of 8 I said that I wanted to adopt children, that I had no desire to give birth and people would stare at me like I had 6 heads. Don’t let society views bully you into doing something you don’t want to do. You’re not selfish hun, you just know what you want out of life and you’re not afraid and tell the rest of the world where they can stick it when it comes to you and your uterus. Lol!
For years (and during my marriage) I was sure I didn’t want kids. I said the same thing, “I like my life”. Then one day it just clicked that I did want them, just no now. I still like my life the way it is and I am no where near ready to be a mom, but one day I just realized that I have to be a mom at some point. You don’t have to follow any specific design for your life. That’s the great thing about YOUR life, you can design it any way YOU want. Do what makes you happy!
Hi Neely,
I don’t think you are selfish, I think you are honest. : ) No one has the right to critize or condemn you for how you feel. In my opinion, it’s better to be honest from the get-go than to end up in a situation you feel you’d be unhappy in (kids, marriage, career, whatever). Be true to yourself and hey, if in a few more years you change your mind, more power to you. : ) I just started reading your blog and folowing you on IG/Twitter. I love your stuff. Have a great day! xo
LOVE this! You took the words right out of my mouth!!I have this conversation often! I am also way too selfish! I LOVE sleeping. My husband and I like to just pick up and go! I like spending money on myself. And all that other stuff. There have been times that I REALLY wanted a baby, but I think that was because EVERYONE and their mother were pregnant or giving birth! It hurt at first, but then realized if it happens, it happens, but I’m in not way ready to be a mom. Yes, I know I could give it all the love in the world and I would be excited to have a baby, but if I finally decide to have a baby it won’t be for another couple years.
Thank you for this post! I’m going to have to write one too!! 🙂
I don’t think you are being selfish- parenthood isnt for everyone. Leighton was a “surprise” pregnancy- I wasn’t happy at first. Of course, now, I am so grateful that I got pregnant with her and that I am about to have another. The only thing I will say is try to understand that a lot of parents have anxiety about those things that annoy people who aren’t parents i.e. kids screaming in restaurants and on planes. It doesn’t mean that the kids are bad or the parents can’t control them… kids will be kids. I always try to be patient when I see parents struggling in public with their kiddos bc I know I would want the same out of other people. But I can see how that would be hard to understand unless you have your own… as for all the things you love- i love sleep, i love ME time, etc… and as long as I get both of those here and there, my kids and family are everything I want in life 🙂
I love this post! I love the honestly! Josh and I don’t want kids either. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids. People just expect it from married couples. It’s annoying. Josh and I are happy where our lives are right now and, like you, don’t want that to be interrupted by a baby. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies and kids, and I will babysit for you ANYTIME…I just don’t want one of my own.
And I’m sorry you lost some followers over this but you shouldn’t be afraid to be honest…it’s YOUR blog!
Have a great week 🙂
<3 Jamie
Words cannot express how much I LOVE this post. As a fellow “I don’t want a child” person, I feel you on everything you wrote in this post. I especially love when I get the “who’s going to take care of you when you’re older” retort – one of these days I’m going say “eff you” and walk off. You’re not being selfish, far from it, you’re being smart to know what you want before you get yourself knee deep and then not being able to get out.
I’m at a calming point of my life, no husband or significant other to even become a husband. I’m creeping closer to 27 each day and completely content with where my life is right now. And when I (hopefully) find a husband, I certainly want a several years alone with him before I would even consider a child. And that is so far stinking away.. like I’ll be maybe 37 that I’ll be creeping on too old to keep with kids! I love my niece and my nephew, but at the end of the day I can ‘give them back’ and I sigh relief knowing I get to go home to my self and love every second of it. Selfish, isn’t such a bad thing!
Kudos for you darling! I like your honesty! And whoever judges you because you aren’t doing your “womanly” duties and baring children need to just shut the F up! I have 2 kids. One is 14 months almost and the other is 9 1/2. It’s definitely hard, I will tell you that! Keep on keeping on! Enjoy your you time!
You are not alone in this mentality. I’m 31 and my hubby is 33. We have no desire for kids. At.all. We are extremely honest about our selfishness. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being selfish. At least we are honest about it. I get the most flack from my mother-in-law about it though. She wants a grandbaby soo bad. I just tell her to go adopt one. There are plenty of kids that need adopting if she wants one so badly. Props to you for you post. 🙂
I totally get this. When I was younger (before I knew better…ha!) I wanted, like, 6 kids. Then, at 18 years old, I worked in a daycare with infants. Best birth control ever!! 9 hours a day was more than enough time. The last thing I wanted was to have to take a kid home with me and care for them for the other 15 hours of the day. I wanted to go home and read, go out with friends, lay around and watch TV, whatever I wanted to do.
I think there is NOTHING wrong with knowing you are too selfish to have kids. My mom has always told me it’s better to admit that and make the conscious decision to not have kids instead of having one (or many) that you can’t or don’t want to take care of.
And you’re right, maybe you will change your mind one day. But if you don’t, there is nothing wrong with that. Because you will never look back and wonder “what if”. I know a lot of people who had kids young who look back and wonder what their life could have been like if they had been able to have selfish me time.
Good for you for being honest! I wrote a similar post about Shawn and I’s situation back in March: http://runninginstilettosblog.blogspot.com/2012/03/million-dollar-question.html.
we’re selfish too. We’re just not ready and we’re OK with that. I feel sometimes like I have to justify myself to people about why we don’t have kids yet, but I’m over it. It’s not happening for us now. I go back and forth on the subject, but I know Shawn wants kids eventually. It may only be one, but we’ll see. I think it’s OK to know what you want and to know what’s right for you. I think it helps when your significant other is on the same page too. I think us ladies who don’t want kids or just don’t want them now, even though our friends are doing it, need to stick together! I’m 28 too and I’m not in any rush.
It’s like the me of three years ago wrote this post. Let me just say, I was told when I was 18 I wouldn’t/couldn’t have kids without the help of modern day science. And I thought, meh, I never really wanted them anyway. I like me, my dreams and my priorities. Flash forward almost 5 years when the doctors were proved wrong and we had a “whoopsie” on our hands. Not going to lie, I cried out of sadness of not having more me time. And as much as I’d still kill to have had a couple more years of me, I wouldn’t trade that “whoopsie” for the world. I never knew I wanted to be a mom until I became one.
For years I got the same reaction you’re describing and you know what? Your life, your choice. But if one day that motherhood moment comes along don’t be scared to embrace it. So yeah, there’s my two cents 🙂
Oh, I was like you at 28 and still am at 36. I love children but not for me. I struggle a lot about what others must think of me and then have to realize that I have to make myself happy and not have children just because it’s expected.
Listen to your heart…
I think you are the opposite of selfish. I am 29, and I go back and forth daily about whether or not I want kids because of some of the same reasons you have: sleep, time, etc. I think knowing what you want (and that you have the ability to change your mind down the road) is refreshing. I agree some people donNOT deserve to be parents. They’re the ones who are selfish!
For MY own selfish reasons, I hope that you do change your mind someday. I would just LOVE to be Aunt Ashley to a mini Neelykins! But, it is completely your decision, and whatever decision you make is fine. No one should be a parent because society tells them that’s what they are supposed to do, and no one should give you crap for making the best decision for you and your life. But, I do hope you change your mind someday 🙂
Oh my gosh yes!! I feel children is a hot topic too. To have kids not have kids- how many- one to little – 3 to much ?? It’s all about making your life happy!
I just love you for this post!!!!! For as long as I can remember, I’ve dreamed of raring a mother. The older I get, the more I question this dream. I’m not sure that I even want kids anymore. I love love love kids but I also am selfish and want to do so many things before I even consider having kids. So many people have kids for the wrong reasons and don’t parent the way that they should…hence the crazy children in restaurants etc. Everyone is entitled to their opinion about children and I love that you put yourself out there.
Neely… You are so NOT afraid to be honest and I’m so proud of you!!!
We’re all different and we all have different callings in life… Just because we take different paths doesn’t mean we have to disagree. Your decisions make you, YOU!
Loved this post! Your open-ness, honesty, and courage!
XO,
Kenz
[email protected]
Love this post. I know what it’s like to be on the opposite side of the spectrum and I still get flack. We just have to make ourselves happy!!
i think its smart to know youre selfish & not want kids. its a very mature choice. i cant stand people who always have something to say. its not their life so whys it matter?! so happy everything is going well in your life right now! you sound very happy! xo Kelly
so true kelly!!!!
I’m so with you dear! I think when i was younger i was a ‘yes girl’ i would say yes to everything—and not speak my mind
now as a grown women—i am ok with saying no—
and i’m with you—no i don’t want kids
i am selfish—i love being a mentor to sweet kiddos—but i don’t see my life going like that right now
keep being you!
xo
Ditto. You basically read my mind. <3
Hey Neely! I am your newest follower. I am a first grade teacher and blogger! My site is http://www.mrswheelerfirst.blogspot.com I agree 100% with the no kids thing. I feel like I am the only one who thinks it’s ok not to have kids…People think it’s weird, esp bc I’m an elementary teacher. If you have time, check out my latest post. I just wrote about the no kids thing yesterday! Your blog is super cute!
Megan
Mrs. Wheeler’s First Grade
Mrs. Wheeler TpT
It drives me crazy when people judge other people for having their opinions! It’s completely up to you whether or not you want to have children… NO ONE ELSE! I say do what makes you happy. 🙂
I adored this post so much that I included it in Lots of Link Love over @ Stress Case!
I’d love if you shared it with your readers, and hope that you’ll come see the other ladies who I was link lovin’ all over this week!
http://www.stresscasey.blogspot.com/2012/07/lots-of-link-love_26.html
I think it’s perfectly fine to be as selfish or unselfish as you want. It is your life and you can do whatever you want with it! I will say, though, that I haven’t really given anything up so far to have Kennedy. I feel like my life is enriched more. I can still buy what I want, see friends, and have alone time. I’m sure that will change with more kids, though… ha.
No judgement here…I’m all for whatever works best for you and your lifestyle and if kids aren’t apart of it, no big deal.
I’d rather someone be honest about it now, then to have a child and end up resenting it.
So I just came across your blog and I swear to you I wrote a post identical to this! Wow!!! I feel the exact same! I am selfish and I don’t care if people think I am weird or awful for being a woman who doesn’t want kids!! Glad to know I am not alone!
I ran across this post today and I have to say it’s quite refreshing to hear of someone who feels the same way I do. I’m going to be 40 years old on Monday and I’ve never, not once, had that “I want kids” feeling. People never believe me. “Oh, you’ll want them someday”, they say. No, I really won’t. I even tried to have the Essure procedure so I could save on birth control pills, but my OB/GYN denied me at the time because I was 37 years old. She said she didn’t want to do it and have me change my mind. Here it is three years later and I still wish I could have had it done. Thanks for your honest post. I don’t think you’re selfish in any way whatsoever. I’m so relieved to know I’m not alone!
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