I have an older half sister named Jill
She is 33 years old
She is a heroin addict. She has HIV. She has been a heroin addict for 18 years.
If you do that math…I was 9 when she started doing drugs.
We have never been close or had any kind of relationship.
In fact until 2 months ago she was in jail. She is now in a rehab run by the jail and has to be there until October. In October she gets out and in my opinion will return to doing drugs.
Why do I think that?
18 years of it never being different. 18 years of her going to fancy rehabs, state funded rehabs, rehabs in general, saying she will clean up her act, getting out of jail/rehab and going right back to it.
Nothing stops her. Summer of 2003 she got hit by a car while high and was in a wheelchair for 3 months…still doing drugs….
Our grandparents passed away, my mom was in the hospital for 3 months in ICU who took care of everything? ME! Where was Jill? Jail. High. Etc.
I have a lot of anger and resintment towards her for a lot of reasons. I have never had the kind of sister relationship I have seen so many of my friends get to have. It makes me sad to not have that. It makes me sad to not have that older sister to turn to for advice.
My best friend Michele is 4 years older than me and has definitely been like a sister to me since we met, as have Stacie and Dana who were friends of Jill’s before she turned to drugs and who I talk to and see and go visit often. But never my ACTUAL SISTER!
I had to run my moms business, go to school, work and take care of my mom when she got sick in 2006. Shes perfectly 100% fine now but I was 21 newly 21 and still in college. Jill was 28 and should have been there to help.
She wrote me a letter today. We havent spoken in over 2 years. Since before I met Chad. She gives me the same song and dance in the letter…”I’ve been a terrible sister” “I want to have a relationship with you” “Im sorry…”
Jill I cant believe you. You never change. You blame everyone and everything for where you are in your life. My mom and our grandparents spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on fancy rehabs, new clothes, etc every time Jill said she’d change…but nope 18 years later…same shit.
Im honestly at a loss…I feel like if I dont try to make amends with her and something happens to her i’ll live in regret. On the other hand I feel like I dont want to be let down AGAIN!
I really dont know what to do…
How do you know what the right thing to do is? How do you tread the line of protecting yourself and putting yourself out there?
We’ve never had a relationship so its not like I can remember what it was like….
There are pictures of us when we were little…but thats all I have of our relationship….pictures from when I was 3….
Oh well
This is so so brave of you to talk about this, but you are reaching out to people who know from experience. If I were in your shoes, I would be as close as needed and thats it. Words can be written and no action taken. I wouldn’t trust her, coming from experience. Since she is partially your sister, I would have a relationship with her. I wouldn’t say invite her over all the time. Just communicate. Until she shows you she is doing better and putting in true, honest effort into bettering her life, I wouldn’t have a sisterly relationship from her. It is so hard because you want that relationship, but you’ve done without it for 18 years, you’re a strong person, and life will be ok, with or without her in it.
First off I’m glad you posted this I knew you weren’t sure of it but I’m proud of you. It’s important to be real and write about whatever you feel like. I honestly don’t know what I’d do in that situation. I think whatever you decide is best for you is going to be great – if you want to try a relationship then try and if it doesn’t work out then you tried. If you don’t want to go through the same song and dance don’t. Just do whats in your heart girl.
I had a sister like this. She died 5 years ago. She was 44. I’m 30. She died becasue her husband and her spent her medicine money on speed balls. She dies of complications from pneumonia. We didn’t even know she was in the hospital until she was dead. Her husband was too high to remember to call her family. When I saw her in the mourge, she weighed 74 pounds. Her skin was just pulled over her bones. She always said she was going to change, but never did. I even let her move in with me and my newborn and she peed on my couch and stole pills.[They were for a bladder infection, so all they did was make her pee colored.] I miss her everyday, but I don’t miss the stress or grief. I’ll be praying for you. {HUGS}
Protect your heart. Forgive her for the hurt she has caused, but don’t put yourself out there to be hurt again. I know how hard it is for you, really. I wish it were different for your sake and maybe someday it will be, but you have to protect yourself first. Love you!
Love you. Bunches.
Bless your heart, I don’t have a good relationship with my sisters, but nothing like this. I feel for you and I understand why you don’t want a relationship with her. You have to do what you feel is best for you and not anyone else!! Thinking about you Neely!!
You are very brave for posting this. You are an incredible person. My advise is to forgive her and move on. My birth mother is the same way. She left me and my dad when I was 5 and never tried to have a relationship with me until I was out of college. She is addicted to drugs and alcohol but wont get help for it. I haven’t seen her or spoken to her in over 6 years. I told her in a letter that I forgive her for being a terrible mother but you weren’t there for me when I needed you and after learning to live without you for {then 16 years} that I don’t need you. I still struggle with my decision, but it’s what I had to do for me. I couldn’t allow her to hurt me anymore. She did not come to my college graduation or my wedding. She didn’t even call or send a card. I guess that’s how I justify my decision. Sorry, I didn’t mean to write an essay! Just do what you need to do for YOU!
Wow girl, props for posting this. I’m in a similar situation, except not so extreme. My brother is 18 and has brought my parents through hell since he’s turned 14 or 15 with drugs, getting arrested for arson, totaling cars, getting my parents sued, etc. and each time it’s the same thing. a cry fest, apologizing and realizing how stupid he is and how this is going to make him change. and he never changes. why? because he’s never been different. praying for you, girl.
I think your feelings are COMPLETELY normal. My dad just got out of rehab…he passed out at my son’s first bday from pills and alcohol. I really have nothing to do with him despite what he wants. He selfishly made the decision to be the way he his. I dont see why I should feel guilty about the way I deal with things. And you shouldnt worry about it either. Do what you think is best for YOU!
Prayers to you, Neely. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I understand the resentment and anger you have about the situation. If it were me, I would forgive, but not forget. I wouldn’t share all of yourself so maybe you wouldn’t get as hurt if things go back to the way they were. But, I would feel bad for missing out on an opportunity if things DO change. I just finished Steven Tyler’s book and he talks about the process of getting clean and how he knows he is an addict and will go back to the same old song and dance if around it. I don’t know what having an addict around is like, but I do know about being hurt in relationships that you think should be better. I would sit on the letter for a couple of days and see how you feel then.
If I’m being honest, I don’t really have advice since I’ve never been in a similar situation before. I think that you have a very open heart and I don’t blame her for wanting a better relationship with you, if she truly means it.
Girl, you know how I feel. Kudos to you for your honest and brave post.
I don’t think you have to punish her by not having a relationship with her because the truth is, is she is living in her own hell every day…she punishes herself enough for the both of you! We all have our demons and unfortunately she allowed herself to enter a war that not a whole lot of people are left standing at the end! The verse 7 times 70 times comes to mind just because sometimes that’s how many times you have to forgive someone! She very well could disappoint you again but my advice would be to TRY (hence… T R Y) to be as much like God as you can in this situation…He shows us grace every day and none of us deserve it…and I can assure you that He is let down by us over and over again too. 🙁
Hang in there…try to love her with grace and thank God above that you’re not her!
BTW love your blog! Im new:)
I’m so sorry Neely, it’s not fair to you that she acts this way. I know that you somehow feel you should make amends but like you said, she’ll never change.
Whatever you decide to do, we’re all behind you 100%. You are strong and loving and caring and she is lucky to have a sister like you, if she can’t see how awesome you are, she doesn’t deserve you.
Thank you for sharing your story with us, I know it wasn’t easy. <3
I think my first comment accidentally got deleted when I signed in. I was saying that these feeling are natural and honest. It’s not a tough decision and you don’t have to decide overnight. I was suggesting maybe writing her a letter explaining how you feel and whether or not you would like to get together. You and only you will be able to decide because even though others have been in similar situations, only your heart will tell you what to do.
I have so much more respect for you for writing this. What a real and awesome post. Your strength through everything is amazing. You come out shining even brighter. People like you are few and far between. As someone who doesn’t have the best relationship with family, I understand where you are coming from. In the end you need to do what is best for you, and what is best for you might not be what “everyone” expects or wants.
Wow Neely….this must be so hard for you!! I have never been in a situation like this…so I really dont have any advice. I guess you just have to do what your heart tells you to do….but dont get yourself hurt!! Good luck sweet friend!!
Wow, this post has brought me to tears as I have some what of the same story. I can tell you this, I feel your pain. I understand how hard it is to put the past behind you. But you must, she is your sister. My sister died almost 3 years ago this month (monday actually) and she lived quite a similar lifestyle. She died of cancer (stemming from her lifestyle). I was never close to her, nor wanted to be. She kept letting me down. So, I put up my wall and told myself not to let her in. I regret it to this day. She is no longer here, I cant tell her im sorry for not helping her more or accepting her for her. Once, she was terminal and we all knew she had only days to live, I was right there. I felt the worst regret ever. I tried to make up for my lost time. It was not enough. We did have a heart to heart and she let me know that she had accepted Christ and will be going to heaven. So I will be able to see her again, but in the mean time I have to live with a lot of guilt. Its very hard. So I dont blame you for feeling you the way you do, but she is who she is and she is your sister. She loves you no matter what she says or does.
Thank you so much for your story.
That’s a really tough spot to be in. I haven’t personally been in your situation but the best advice I can give is to try to forgive her and have a relationship with her. I’m not saying you should be all best buds or anything. There should be space, but maybe you both need that sisterly relationship in your lives. You could just always keep in mind that she might relapse but that in spite of that, she is your sister and she probably needs your support? I dunno, that’s just what I think. I totally get you not wanting to even deal with her, but if something DID happen to her then I do think you would regret not trying. Resentment might always be there but if you work on forgiving her and accept it for who she is, faults and all- it might numb some of that pain.
I have a brother who is a former addict, as well as an ex-husband who I believe probably still is using. Your fears and resentments are completely normal. Have you considered going to Al-Anon? It has helped me so much in dealing with the unresolved issues I’ve had with dealing with these kinds of things. I’ve been in the program for 1 1/2 years and it has really changed me. I would really encourage you to go. There are great people in Al-Anon who have been exactly where you are that can definitely provide some great insight and love, and share their experience strength and hope with you to help you make the best decision you can for yourself. Having that kind of support is invaluable, it has saved me countless times and has provided me the tools I need to recover from the effects of living with addiction and alcoholism. It is a family disease, we all need help recovering whether we know it or not.
I’m really proud of you for posting this! You are a strong woman. Your sister is missing out and it’s entirely her fault. You, my friend, don’t need to try anymore than you already have. She made her bed, let her lie in it.
Easier said than done, I know. I’m sending good thoughts your way. I’m here. We’re all here.
Wow, what a tough situation to be in. It’s hard when someone goes down the same path over and over and says the same apology over and over. Only time will tell if she really means it this time. Someone who is legitimately sorry will try their HARDEST to win back your trust and to rebuild the relationship. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I have never gone through anything like this before. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
I’ve followed your blog for a long time but never comment. God bless you for being brave and posting this, I respect you a lot for doing so. I feel that the blogging world is sometimes the place to go in situations like this, especially after reading the comments and seeing that others have been in similar situations.
I can’t say I can relate or know but I think if it was me, I would keep my guard up. Maybe you can let it down a little just so you can see her but if you do try to allow her back into your life and get to know each other your always going to want to ask her why and what if and you might never have those answers.. I know you want to have faith in her but she will not be clean until she wants to be clean, if your family or the law continues to make her go to rehabs, she will be right back where she was before she went into them when she gets out.
Thanks for allowing me to voice my thoughts, best of luck!
I have been through this time & time again with family members and I know exactly how you feel. (I’m not comfortable sharing on comment, but I’ll email you if you’re interested). This post brings so many emotions for me & for you Neely. I give you mad props for writing it and opening up, it is NOT an easy thing to do, I know that. Keep your guard up, don’t let her continue to hurt you, but forgive her in your heart, so that you don’t have all the hate/rage built up against her. I agree with most everyone’s comments saying that she needs to prove that she’s “changed”. Surely she can’t expect you to run & jump at the chance for a big sister after all the years. I’m here for you anytime. Love you!
OMG- I just want to give you a hug. I can’t say, “oh, I know how you feel”, because I don’t. I know you don’t want advise or words of wisdom, you just want someone to listen. I know I just met you and we don’t know each other very well yet, but this is something I’m going to be praying about (you and your sister, and this whole situation). And I’m not saying it as a cliche like everyone does when they say “oh, I’ll be praying for you.” I really am going to. I don’t know where your relationship with your sister will end up (not sure where you want it to), but in the end, hopefully it will be for the best for the both of you.
Hugs my friend,
Rach
My advice- Don’t harden your heart, even though its difficult not to. You don’t want to have any regrets in the end!
Oh wow, I’ve been brought to tears by reading this post and by reading everyone’s sweet comments! I know it must have been hard for you to post this, and I admire you for talking about it.
I think it is very understandable to keep your guard up. You’ve been hurt repeatedly, and there comes a time when you’ve done everything you could do and put up with all you are capable of dealing with. I don’t know where you’re at with that, but if you have hit that point, you have to protect yourself.
Praying for you dear! I’m always here if you need to talk! Love you!
My husband had an older brother who died from AIDS, he was a drug addict and we are assuming that is how he got it. In my husbands case, he wasn’t close to his brother at all. Growing up, for a few years here and there they were, but it’s kind of impossible to be close to a drug addict, because they just aren’t thinking straight. Sorry to hear this, here’s to always hoping that she DOES one day get better.
Oh hun, you are so brave and so strong to open up and talk about this! Maybe small amounts of communication would be easier to deal with before you jump right in? I don’t want you to live with regrets, but I don’t want to see you hurt either. We’re behind you, no matter what happens. Sending hugs!
Hello, my girlfriend Kara is the one who usually reads your blog but this post caught my eye.
The reason I’m writing is that I’ve been where your sister is. I became an addict when I was 16. Drugs are such a hard addiction to break. I’m sure she would like to be a better sister to you but when your an addict drugs always come first. It took my first gf dying of an OD for me to break my addiction. I went to rehab for a year and it was harder then anything I’ve done in my life. I’m over 6 years clean now and never felt better in my life.
I hope one day she’s able to gather the strength to break the addiction.
Thank you for posting this.
~Jessica XX~
Hello, my girlfriend Kara is the one who usually reads your blog but this post caught my eye.
The reason I’m writing is that I’ve been where your sister is. I became an addict when I was 16. Drugs are such a hard addiction to break. I’m sure she would like to be a better sister to you but when your an addict drugs always come first. It took my first gf dying of an OD for me to break my addiction. I went to rehab for a year and it was harder then anything I’ve done in my life. I’m over 6 years clean now and never felt better in my life.
I hope one day she’s able to gather the strength to break the addiction.
Thank you for posting this.
~Jessica XX~
This is one of the best posts I’ve ever read. Honest and real. Love it. Although yes, it made me sad to hear this. All I can think of right now is to protect your heart and don’t let her hurt you again. She’s hurt you and your family too many times too often and it never gets easier, it just gets harder. It’s a process and one that won’t be fun on either one of you. But don’t let her in again. At least not completely. She may be sorry and fragile and thinking about so many things while away and hoping for a hug back, but as you said, same shit all over again. I can’t talk from experience, but all I can see is it won’t change. Not today, not in two month or years, not even in ten years. I know you want that relationship and you deserve such a relationship but in a better way, in a healthier way.
I personally would write her a letter, saying everything you feel, throwing yourself out there, letting her know how you feel about her, about she treats you etc etc etc, and then close it somehow. As hard as it may sound and even be, I think you need to do this. Not in the hopes that she’ll understand and eventually come around, but to have it said, and written and so she knows for sure. Black on white. Forever.
You’ve become such an amazing woman, so strong, so full of love for life – she should not take this away from you. Again. Don’t let her. Just protect your heart girl. Hugs sent your way!!!
i’m so proud of you writing this -i know it must have been SO hard, but it was brave too. i’m sorry that you have to go through all of this again every time she pops back up into your life. stay strong girl, i know you are 🙂
Probably not a good time, but your blog looks different. I think you give her another chance because life is short and a lot of people don’t get the chance to try and fix things with their sister. You are good at giving another chance bur not forgetting the past. You can do it and maybe finally get a sister.
That is a really tough situation. I would try to have a relationship with her, but also try not to get your hopes up at the same time. One of my favorite sayings is “Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.”
I do hope it all works out for you and your sister.
Unfortunately we can’t choose our family, like we choose our friends (who in a lot of ways become our family). However, even if she’s family, you still have to protect yourself from any emotional hurt she can cause you. Until she can prove you otherwise, she must earn your trust and respect. I can’t imagine what she is going through, or what you’re going through, but she knows you won’t just hand out forgiveness. It must be earned, and that is your right.
First off, it is so nice to hear someone else whose life isn’t always rainbows & butterflies.
I too have an estranged older sister. Different circumstances, but the same thing — how do you let someone into your life knowing they most likely WILL screw up again? How do you get over the guilt when the inevitable happens and she is gone? It’s really a hard situation and I don’t think anyone knows what they would do until they’re in it. With that said, my advice is this — forgive her, but DONT forget, and keep an open line of communication, but don’t get too close. It’s not worth hurting again because of her. In a way, it’s probably best that she started while you were so young, that gives you so many less memories of her “old” self to dwell back on. At least if you forgive her and move on, you will have that feeling of guilt lifted off your chest when the inevitable comes to fruition. Hugs, girl & again that was brave of you to post!
XoXo
I can’t imagine how torn you are about this sitaution and I don’t blame you for not wanting to risk being hurt AGAIN, but I do think there is power in forgiveness. You won’t ever regret being the bigger person and doing everything you possibly could to be there for her…
Aw I’m so sorry! That is a really tough situation to be in. It sounds like your mind is already made up. You’ve lived without her for so long and she’s never been there for you, that it just seems normal for you to not allow her to enter now. It’s tough especially since she always turns in the same cycle when she’s trying to change. If I were in your position, I would be on civil terms with her but I don’t think that I would fully allow her back into my life. To me, she doesn’t deserve that much. You’re a strong person and I know you will choose what you feel is best for you! Just follow what you feel 🙂 XOXO
Neely you are such a brave and strong person for posting this! What a horrible situation and I don’t know what I’d do in it but whatever you decide, you have this whole community behind you! Stay strong love, praying for you!
i’m glad you shared this – and while i really have no wise or profound advice to give, i hope perhaps that someone else will. and i hope it helped you to get it out.
I am so sorry to hear this. My sister was similar to your sister although your sister has been at it for a long time. I had times where I was so frustrated and vowed never to waste my time with her again.
In July of last year she committed suicide. I will never see her again. From my perspective I would urge you to continue to pursue a relationship with her. Just know going in that she is not going to return your sentiments. If nothing else then you will know that you tried as much as possible and will be at peace with that if/when something happens.
I wish you (and your sister) the best of luck with your situtation. God bless you both.