So since I was 16 I have had a Major Struggle.
When I look in the mirror I see things that are not there. No not ghosts and goblins Im talking fat thighs, a fat face, lumpy arms, a fat stomach etc.
This went on for many years before I sought help from a Dr when I was 20 and battling an eating disorder to the point where at my cousins Bar Mitzvah my grandmother noticed the bones in my back were sticking out so far it looked scary.
I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. The Mayo Clinic defines it as this: Body dysmorphic disorder is a type of chronic mental illness in which you can’t stop thinking about a flaw in your appearance — a flaw that is either minor or imagined. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful that you don’t want to be seen by anyone.
This is something I struggle with daily. I mean daily. I eat a cookie and hate myself. I have it mainly under control with anxiety meds and part of it comes with my need to control things. What I eat, how I work out, what my body looks like, how clean the apartment is, how the bed is made. OCD usually goes along with this so it was no shock when at 22 I was diagnosed with OCD.
A minor case but still OCD.
I have talked on the blog about my depression but all of this goes hand in hand.
I am not writing this post to fish for compliments, to make people tell me I am beautiful, but to hopefully help someone who feels the same, who is going through the same thing. You are not alone. I understand. Its hard. Its something that never goes away. You see a girl with a perfect body and no matter how much your loved ones tell you you are beautiful you cant believe them. You dont understand why they aren’t tell you the truth.
This was a very hard post for me to write because this is a major struggle and putting my issues and myself out there on my blog will no doubt bring about negative comments from someone or somewhere but I dont care.
Just know that you are not alone and I am here for you.
You are beautiful.
Yes I struggle daily. Yes I have days where I feel terrible about myself and my anxiety is super high. Yes I think I am about a zillion times imperfect. But that comes with the territory. I will always struggle with this. This will never change.
Do you struggle with anything that you feel like you keep inside?
I have the same struggle. Mine got really bad about a year ago, I was down to 95 pounds and wore a double 0. It was horrible. I hate when I eat something that is bad, feeling the guilt after. It sucks. I have not gotten help for it, yet because it hasn’t gotten too bad.
Thanks for being so vulnerable! I can definitely relate to a lot of that!
I spent all of my life being morbidly obese.. it helped that I was 6’1″ but I was over 400lbs. The last time I weighed I tipped the scales at 430lbs. I ended up losing over 230lbs, was on Oprah, gained 80lbs with a pregnancy that ended in a horrible loss full term, lost the weight again, got very sick and had 80% of my stomach removed (all can be read on the blog), got a tummy tuck and two months later flipped my car six times being ejected over fifty feet into a tree and shredding every muscle in my “new” stomach.. only to be told that it couldn’t be fixed unless I was to have another surgery– no matter how many crunches I did. I’ve gone on every diet from medical diets, pills, to starvation, and the lovely weight watchers. No matter how great I feel, am told I look, or how small my clothes are– I look in the mirror and see the morbidly obese girl that I grew up as. It’s caused me to have OCD like a wild beast– so I know how you feel. I think that it’s going to be a battle that we fight for awhile.. possibly all our lives– we just have to find a way to get a peace within ourselves and surround ourselves with people that contribute to that peace!!
Wow Jaime – I want to high five and hug you.
So many obstacles – you are a strong, strong lady and your story is inspiring. I’m going to head over to your blog to read more. 😀
LittleBirdBlogs
Thank you for opening up and sharing this. For a very long time I analyzed every inch of my body and only searched for imperfections. I won’t lie, I still do it but not to the same unhealthy extent. My husband is amazing and is always telling me that I’m beautiful, but some days it’s just so hard to see past what the mirror is showing me.
I have two struggle. One: body image issues. Even when I was a size 4/6 I thought I was the largest human being in the world because I had curves and everyone else didn’t. Now at a size 18, it’s way worse and I am struggling to not feel like it will never get better. Two: Anxiety. I was diagnosed at 17 (12 years ago) with generalized anxiety disorder and it is a struggle every day to not let my worry control my life. Depending on the day, I worry about everything from my health to the well-being of others to whatever else my mind can conjure up. It sure sucks when you think your pain in your side is cancer or that being alone at night makes you think someone will break into your house and harm you. It is normal to worry, but mine is to the extreme.
You are so strong, lady! xo
I love this post. I love your honesty and openness. I have suffered with the same issues in life and have had some rough bouts with anxiety. It is awful to look in a mirror and see one thing and know that its not what it looks like. I look back at pictures of myself when I thought I was “gross and fat” and get so angry at myself for thinking that way. We should always embrace what God gave us and be happy we are alive and well. Great post girl!
Thank you so much for this beautiful and honest post. It’s never easy to share such a personal aspect of your life, but this also shows how far you’ve come. You are beautiful!
Girrrrrrl I am proud of you, and you’re gorgeous. 🙂 It’s so hard to share this kind of stuff, but I feel like it can make a difference for other people struggling with the same thing/similar issues, so go you! 🙂
PS – your About Me pic makes me smile. Every time 😉
Thank you for posting this. I struggle with my body everyday too. I absolutely related with “I eat a cookie and I hate myself”. I can’t stop thinking about how uncomfortable I am in my own skin throughout the entire day. I’m shocked to find out that you deal with such a problem but am comforted to hear about it. So… what’s next? How have you tried to battle this? Any advice?
You are very brave to share this with us.
It’s great that you posted this! I have anxiety and have been struggling with it since I was a teenager. It is really a daily thing, even if you’re having a good day, it’s in the back of your mind. One of the things that does help though is knowing you’re not alone – I really thought I was all alone and crazy for feeling the way I did when I was in high school – so I know this post will help someone!
I honestly feel that I have a mild form of body dismorphia. I try to love my body but I see things that aren’t there and when I look in the mirror I am acutely aware that I really have no idea whatsoever what I look like. I’ve also had ED issues too. It’s a constant struggle. Keep fighting those bad thoughts.
You’re very brave to share this. I have Tourette Syndrome and OCD, and try to talk about it online for the same reason you mentioned. It seems isolating, but no one is truly alone, and everyone should know that.
I wish I could reach through my computer and give you a hug! 🙁 This post could have been written by me but I’m not as brave as you are! Thanks SOO much for being so open and honest! This life-long struggle is no fun at all… :/
Kudos on sharing, friend. It’s tough, but like you said if it can help someone else, then that’s great! I know you have this disorder, but just know you’re perfect the way that you are! 🙂 xo Love you!
Thanks so much for sharing your story Neely. I struggle in a different way but I know how difficult these issues can be. I hope you find the strength within yourself to stay happy and healthy for the rest of your life xoxo
I am one that struggles with this daily too especially being pregnant with my second. My first one I gained 50 lbs and this one I have gained about the same but I started out weighing more so I have pushing 225 when I am a normal 140lbs and normally have a nice tan and cute figure but this pregnancy has pushed me over the top. I feel my stretch marks are never going to go away on my legs and stomach. I just feel horrible. I don’t even get naked in front of my fiance anymore because I am so down. I am hoping it passes once my baby is here. I am probably a size 12-14 right now when I am normally a 7. I definitely understand where you are coming from and many other ladies do too. You are beautiful by judging from your pictures. With media and everything now-a-days, body image in girls is a daily struggle for most.
My friends would tell me all the time I have a distorted body image; I see a big fat hoss and they see skin and bones. Obviously I’m struggling now; gaining weight regardless of being pregnant is still really hard for me. Trying to remember it will all be worth it and it will all fall off post baby..
Thank you for being brave enough to share this my love!
Thank you for sharing this so bravely. What a personal post and an honest look at who you are. Thank you for sharing a struggle with your readers. The more I read the more I like you.