10.27.14 37

On Living Together Before Marriage

Before I get to todays post I want to thank the sweet girls who guest posted for me while I was on my honeymoon. We got back Friday and spent most of the weekend catching up on life and seeing my family.

I wanted to discuss something that seems to be taboo among some people. Living together before marriage. Actually we moved in together before we got engaged. If you back that up even more about 3 months into dating Andrew told me he didn’t want me to live anywhere else and I lived with him from then on. We moved into our current home together a year ago. One year exactly as of our wedding day.

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I know some people whole heartedly believe you should not live together before marriage and I fully respect those opinions. I just want to share why for US it was the right choice. I am not saying this is for everyone. I am not saying you should do this. I fully believe you should do what you feel right with.

On Living Together Before Marriage and why it Worked for Us:

1. Finances: We had our finances down by the time we got married. We had joined our checking accounts back at the beginning of Summer and we were paying our bills together long before then. We knew each others credit scores early on in our relationship and talked a lot about our financial goals, strengths and weaknesses. I was for sure more of a shopper when we met. I would say I am a great saver now. I hardly ever shop. I mean sure there are things we want but we are very good about discussing purchases. I’m not talking about if Andrew wants to buy a shirt and I want to get a manicure. I mean any purchase over a certain amount of money. Have you ever heard the saying “people go broke one $30 purchase at a time?” We always remember that. Which is why we save as much as we can and never live paycheck to paycheck.

2. Fighting Right: We all have quirks, annoyances, things that tick us off. For example I am completely Type A, Neat Freak OCD! Andrew is super laid back. An example would be that after dinner I immediately like to clean up the kitchen. Andrew likes to relax on the couch. We learned how the other works well. I can’t relax if things are messy. So Andrew compromises and helps me clean up so we can both relax. We also never fight. You may think I am lying but in 2 years together we have had exactly 2 fights. Both occurred late at night when we were exhausted. We never go to sleep angry. That’s a big one for us. We also are very good at telling the other in a calm way when they have upset us. Instead of pitching a fit about every small thing you have to decide “is this the hill I want to die on today?” If Andrew leaves shoes out I can put them in the closet easier than arguing about it. If I’m in a bad mood Andrew can understand I had a rough day and know that a peanut butter cup goes a long way. We also know what each others love language is and how the other person reacts to things. When I am upset I like to be cuddled and coddled. When Andrew is upset he likes to be left alone. That’s OK. If we hadn’t lived together before marriage we would just now be learning these things. We also do not yell, leave or make threats. That is fighting right.

3. Division of Labor: From early on two things were very clear with us. I love to clean and do laundry and keep things orderly. Andrew loves grocery shopping and cooking. I hate to cook. He hates to clean. He cooks, I clean and there is never a discussion or argument about who has what role. That’s not to say I never cook and he never cleans. I love baking and he will happily help me clean the bathrooms and take out the trash. I am also the one who decorates for holidays because lets be real guys don’t care.

4. Decorating Our Place: If you live together after marriage usually you are moving into someones home. His or Hers. We got a place together that was ours meaning we picked out furniture together, decorated together, and agreed on the closet space. You know the 80/20 rule. 80% of the closet is mine 20% is his 🙂 It was nice to put together a gallery wall of things we both love. It really is one thing I look at and love that it fully represents both of our personalities. It has things we both love and pictures of us together that we picked out together. We did make some compromises. For instance Andrew bought me a gorgeous Audrey Hepburn canvas that I wanted above our fireplace. Andrew wanted a huge ocean picture above the TV. Compromise. If you move into someones place as we lived at Andrews place before this place. It never felt like ours. It was his. His furniture, his decor, his stuff. I always felt like an overnight guest even though I lived there. This place feels like home to both of us and from the bedding to throw pillows we picked it all together. Neither one of us feels less like this is our home.

5. The Little Things: There are little things that we would have never known before marriage if we hadn’t lived together. For instance: I am always cold and Andrew is always hot. Our solution: Lots of blankets. Another thing is space. We both love alone time and space. I have an office and Andrew has a study. I work in my office during the day so at night if I want space I usually go in our bedroom and read or watch Netflix and Andrew will stay in the living room. It’s so important to give the other person the space they need. I couldn’t imagine getting in a fight over one of us needing 30 minutes to ourselves. Something that’s also nice is that Andrew takes showers first thing in the morning. I usually do mid day after my work out. We both have loofa’s on a hook in the shower and we try to be courteous to the other person by moving their loofa in front after we are done. Sounds small and like it isn’t a big deal but those small gestures go a long way. Since we first started dating we leave each other little notes on post its everywhere. In shoes, drawers, the bed, the mirror, Andrew will even leave them in my laptop. It’s a nice way to let the other person know you love them and are thinking of them.

6. Making sure it was the right decision: We had to live together first. We had to know if we were gonna kill each other in 3 weeks. Or be able to function together. Thankfully moving from Andrews place, to our place, to getting engaged and now to being married not much has changed. Aside from my last name, our checking accounts and a few rings on our fingers.

 

These are just a few of the reasons for US it was good to live together before engagement and marriage. I would love to hear opinions and thoughts about what you think, or what you did for your own relationships. I would love to keep this drama free though so if you have something rude to say please do not.

 

Did you live together before marriage?

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37 Comments

  1. HI!!! Congratulations on your marriage!! Many happy, happy years to you!
    My husband and I waited until we got married to live together. We actually waited to have sex with each other until we got married but that is a whole ‘nother post!! We did pre-engagement counseling, and had been together a few years, so even we were pretty sure that we were making the right decision to get married. But yep, I moved into his place after the honeymoon. It was the right decision for us. I do understand what you mean about having a place that it is YOURS together, though. We bought our own house after a year, and it is great to make new memories that way. Thanks so so much for this blog!! And thanks for supporting other bloggers.

    Published 10.27.14
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  2. Kate wrote:

    I’m far from this point in my life, but it’s always nice to read some wisdom from others so I know what to consider when the time comes for me. Thanks for sharing!

    Published 10.27.14
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  3. Natalie wrote:

    We didn’t for several reasons (the least of which was we were living in two different states right before we got married!). Both of our parents are super conservative, and if we’d decided to live together before we got married, we would have been known as THOSE people. My husband’s brother and sister-in-law lived together before they got married, and my inlaws STILL talk about that decision ten years later. :/ If it had really meant something to me, I would have fought the establishment and done it, but it wasn’t even an issue since we lived so far apart. I personally think it’s a couple’s decision–so I’m glad you did what was right for you and your husband!

    Published 10.27.14
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  4. Meghan wrote:

    We lived together for 3 years before we even got engaged, and then for another 2 before we got married. I absolutely agree with you 100% on all points. We were able to work out many kinks before getting married, and it was truly helpful. I do feel like co-habitation is becoming more common these days, especially with the divorce rate as high as it is.

    Published 10.27.14
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  5. As you know, I moved in with J 8 months in, before engagement, before marriage. It worked for us. We too needed to know we could live life together. I admit, it was good for us. We learned how to do life together before we had to do life together. Our friends for the most part were supportive as well as our families.

    Published 10.27.14
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  6. Michelle wrote:

    We lived together for 7 years before we got married. We even bought a house together before we got married too (we bought 5 years before we got married). Most people think we are crazy, but it worked well for us. We are not religious people though, so it didn’t really matter to us when we got married.

    Published 10.27.14
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  7. I love this! My fiancé and I moved in together after only a few months of dating and will be getting married in May. I totally agree with all of your points. Moving in together before marriage is such a personal decision. For us, it was important. We had to live together to make sure we could. But we also WANTED to live together because once we realized we wanted to spend our lives together, we didn’t want to live separately!

    Published 10.27.14
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  8. Alli wrote:

    Welcome back from the honeymoon!!!

    I’m pretty conservative and we didn’t live together before marriage. It was the right choice for us. But I love to read different points of view.

    Published 10.27.14
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  9. Emily wrote:

    Omg, all of this is so true! I totally believe in living together before marriage. It is so important to know ‘the little things’ that you may never notice if you don’t. I love that you both need alone time and can respect it! i am like that too!

    Published 10.27.14
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  10. Jessica wrote:

    First congratulations on your marriage and I hope you had a wonderful honeymoon. My boyfriend and I have been together a little over four years and have lived together for over three. I think it’s important couples live together for at least a little while before marriage because you don’t know if you will be able to handle the quirks of the other person. I needed to know if I was serious about our relationship that I needed to know how to live with my boyfriend before any further steps could be taken such as engagement or marriage. We have lived in a super small one bedroom apartment and also a three bedroom house and we get each other. We understand we need alone time and need to split the chores. I think you really get to know someone once you live with them.

    Published 10.27.14
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  11. Congratulations on getting married! I agree with this entire post. We lived together before we got engaged and it really helped us understand who the other person was. I know that living together beforehand isn’t for everyone, but it was definitely the right decision for us. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

    Published 10.27.14
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  12. Vicki wrote:

    First of all: CONGRATS MARRIED LADY!!!!! 🙂 I am so beyond happy for you! Now, I love this post. Mike and I lived together for three years (I think? It’s all a blur now LOL) before we got engaged. I have loved living with and sharing an apartment together. I totally believe living together could make or break a relationship and I am so happy we chose to do so so early – I wouldn’t change it for anything!

    Published 10.27.14
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  13. Beth wrote:

    yall are too cute! I love how he cooks and you clean! What a great compromise! What is his signature dish that you love?! xoxo

    Published 10.27.14
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  14. cece wrote:

    I totally agree with living together first too. I think I might have freaked out a little if I got married, then moved in together and had to figure out all those quirks-like what have I gotten myself into? Living together means I know what I’ve gotten myself into and I was happy to do it. We also don’t fight. Not one in 6 years. Glad you two figured everything out so well-makes life so much easier.

    Published 10.27.14
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  15. Lexie wrote:

    Congratulations! I did live with my first husband before marriage. I would not do it again. Our families were upset and reminded us constantly. We lived together longer then we were married which our families said was my fault for living with him. . He left me not long after we married for a young girl because we lived together he had zero respect for marriage. . So all those years of cooking cleaning. Making a life for him were for nothing. I was the one who compromised myself and my reputation by living together. Next man is going to have to marry me first. I will not Compromise myself again. . It’s not for everyone. For me I love my single life and my own home. I will not give that up unless he is willing to marry me.

    Published 10.27.14
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  16. ️Meg O. wrote:

    we lived together for 4 months before our wedding, but it was because Greg’s lease was up. But to be honest, we pretty much lived together once he moved to Houston. We just took turns at each other’s apartments. Haha. It worked well for us that way so we had our separate spaces if we needed them, but also got a good idea on how the other person is to live with.

    Published 10.27.14
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  17. All of this is sooooo true! My husband and I moved in together after we had been dating about a year and a half for financial reasons and it was definitely one of the best decisions we ever made. While I do feel like sometimes we missed out on some of the “newly wed” things that come with moving in together after marriage, and I really didn’t feel like much changed after we got married… life seemed exactly the same except of course for the fact that we were married! It was definitely something that worked for us though, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I think it will actually make our marriage stronger because we lived together before getting married!

    Published 10.27.14
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  18. My husband and I didn’t live together before we were married, but there are times I wish we would have. Going from being engaged to being married and living together is a big leap! The sudden increase in time spent together revealed the quirks we didn’t know we had. I’ve heard the first year of marriage is tough, and I can see it being easier if you lived together first because you have already figured out many of the things you mentioned.

    Published 10.27.14
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  19. Dawn wrote:

    My boyfriend and I moved in together a few months after dating and now we have combined everything. We also know each others strengths and weaknesses and that has helped our relationship tremendously as we prepare for our wedding in July. Living together for us helped us decide marriage is what we want to pursue together next in our relationship. I believe that living together will also strengthen our marriage because we know what each other is like to live with and we have already made that adjustment. Congratulations on your marriage!

    Published 10.27.14
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  20. Linda Kay wrote:

    Neely, congratulations on your marriage. I think your post was very thoughtful. My only concern for cohabitation before marriage is when there are children involved. It makes things very complicated in a lot of cases. But to each his own, I say. And really no one needs to justify their reasons for these kinds of decisions to anyone else.

    Published 10.27.14
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  21. My husband and I lived together before we married. I guess there are pros and cons but I don’t think I’d do it again. In premaritial counseling we had to submit to no sex until after we said “I do”. We made it but it was rough.

    Congrats & welcome back.

    Published 10.27.14
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  22. Thank you for sharing these! It seems like you’ve really got it down. I hope to have as successful of a relationship as yours — granted, I know it doesn’t come easily, you’ve put in a lot of hard work and compromise! Congratulations on your marriage, as well 🙂

    Marissa // http://www.makinitwithmarissa.com

    Published 10.27.14
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  23. Meg wrote:

    My fiance and I moved in together almost immediately after getting engaged, because he got offered a job in another state and it was silly to move to a new state to be with him and to live in my own apartment.

    Published 10.27.14
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  24. I enjoyed hearing your perspective on this! I wrote a similar post last month about this and completely agree with you when you say it’s all about what works for you, as every relationship is different. Personally, I would never want to marry someone I never lived with, but I think there are pros and cons to each side of the situation.

    Published 10.27.14
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  25. Julie S. wrote:

    We did not, but I think it definitely is an individual couple’s decision to see what works best for them and their situation. I know plenty of couples who did live together first and their marriage is great. Great post!

    Published 10.27.14
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  26. Jenn wrote:

    This was SUCH a good post Neely! I’m so confused lately.. I obviously lived with my ex.. We bought a house together and I early on sensed it wasn’t working but I stuck it out. Well now we know where I am. I’m at home living with my mom but I stay at my boyfriends about 4-5 nights a week. He wants to live together but I almost think I want to wait till we are engaged to move in together. I just don’t know what to do. Then the savings thing.. The “People go broke $30 at a time” OMG WOW I’ve never ever heard this but I was thinking this exact thing this mornign while looking at my bank statement.. And then look what I see.. $30 here $30 here.. $30 here.. I’m making a post-it.. To try and stop me from shopping for $30 here and there! 🙂

    Published 10.27.14
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  27. My husband and I lived together during our engagement… after all – who wants to find out they have married the WORST roommate or a pig-stye? It’s a new day and time.

    Published 10.27.14
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  28. Rachel wrote:

    I just moved in with my boyfriend after a very short time (we’ve been together about two months) and it has been the best thing. We know we’ve moved more quickly than others but feel that it’s the right thing for us. Part of the reason we moved in together was just the circumstances and timing but the other part is, we truly are looking towards building a future together and this seems like a really good way to start!

    Published 10.27.14
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  29. Congrats on getting hitched, lady!!!! I’ve already lived with my boyfriend for summers and we’ve talked about getting a place together next summer…we’ll be engaged by then. For us, it makes senses with our finances as timeline since we’re in a pretty unique situation, and it’s already helped us grow as a couple so much in understanding each other and really living selflessly!

    lovelovelove,
    Erica
    cominguprosestheblog.com

    Published 10.27.14
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  30. Jenny wrote:

    Firstly, congratulations on your marriage!
    And secondly, I think this is a brilliant post. My husband and I lived together for a year before we even got engaged, and were engaged another year before marriage. I agree with all your points above. My husband is Catholic and we had to do a sort of weekend retreat thing to receive a certificate before we could be married by a priest, and they had other couples there…. they asked us to separate in to 2 different classes- couples who were co-habitating and couples who were not. Only one couple was living separately out of the other 12 couples present for that weekend… and the best part, they did not reprimand us or guilt us for living together. They just gave us some info about continuing to be partners throughout marriage and so on. It was amazing!

    http://www.mishmoshmakeup.com

    Published 10.27.14
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  31. Congratulations on your marriage!
    I’m living together before marriage, and that wedding keeps getting put off! We’ve been living together for nearly 7 years now. We’ll get around to it…eventually…

    Published 10.27.14
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  32. Kathy wrote:

    Congrats on your wedding. I just celebrated 6 months on Sunday. I have to say that I just about disagreed with everything you wrote. My husband and I moved in together the day after we got married, into the condo we bought 15 days before the wedding. As far as finances go – we went to the bank 2 days after we got married and opened up an account. We deposited our cash/check wedding gifts and set on our way to changing our direct deposits into that account. I added my husband to my credit cards and we were set.

    For him and me all the things you mentioned as things that need to be done before getting married are things that we are enjoying finding out now. We are learning about each other, growing together, and enjoying it with a commitment. We didn’t feel like we needed to learn about the quirks each of us have, or if one is dirty and the other clean beforehand. All of it doesn’t matter – we love each other no matter what the others’ quirkiness is. Even if we find things that drive the other crazy, we are married and we will stay together no matter what.

    I guess we were sure of what we were doing and didn’t need the living together beforehand.

    Published 10.27.14
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  33. I love this post and I realllllly love the idea of a gallery wall of both interests. Brilliant idea!!

    Published 10.28.14
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  34. Sarah wrote:

    Hi! First time commenter but I’ve been reading your blog for a while 🙂 My husband and I lived together for over a year before getting married. We moved in after 8 months of dating and have been married over 3 years now. We’ve actually only spent TWO nights apart (and not in a row) since moving in together! Crazy, but we love being around each other! Being apart during the day for work is plenty for us!

    I agree with you – you have to do what is right in your heart. For us it worked for many of the reasons you mentioned. The main one, though, was we were together every night anyways. It just made sense (for us). Looking back, I don’t think it really matters all that much – people make such a big deal about living together beforehand but I don’t see what the big deal is! Like you said, you get to see if you get along in day to day life before committing to spend the rest of your lives together!!

    Congrats on your marriage!!! 🙂

    Published 10.28.14
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  35. Congrats on joining the “married club”! I’ve been married for 6 years this year and we’ve lived together for 8 years! I always recommend my friends live with their “fiance” before tying the knot – it’s not conventional but you definitely learn about your future spouse’s quirks before making it official.

    Published 10.29.14
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  36. Jen wrote:

    Congrats!! It’s hard to get back to reality after your wedding and honeymoon! John and I moved in to together before we were in engaged as well. It was best for us. And look at us 11 years later. Every couple and situation is different.

    Published 10.29.14
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  37. Katie wrote:

    It has always been my plan to never even considering living with someone before marraige. And here I am in a new relationship ready to move in with my boyfriend at the end of next sememster. I think that sometimes things change. Every relationship isn’t going to fit into the same criteria. For this one, I think living with my boyfriend is a good decision. Completely different than what I thought before. Things change!

    Published 11.1.14
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