9.14.21 17

The Guise Of Perfectionism In Motherhood

This is a post that has been on my mind and heart for some time and I felt like I needed to get it out. No one can quite prepare someone for motherhood. It’s definitely a learn as you go kind of job where you think you have the hang of it and then everything changes. As my kids have gotten out of the baby stage and into the preschool years I have noticed the guise of perfectionism in motherhood. It’s something we all do. We all put on this show that we have it all together and that we are the perfect moms. In reality, I feel like most of us are drowning in expectations.

The Guise Of Perfectionism In Motherhood

The Guise Of Perfectionism In Motherhood

When Liam was born I felt like I was thrown into a job I didn’t have the qualifications for. I babysat and nannied for over a decade and still when I was handed this tiny 7 lb human I carried for 9 months I thought to myself “how can they just let me have him with no experience??” It’s kind of like being thrown into brain surgery when you never went to medical school, you don’t feel like you’re ready to be in charge of the procedure.

Something I noticed quickly was that motherhood has a LOT of expectations. We are expected to raise these tiny perfect humans, with perfect clothes, and shoes, and perfect athletic abilities, and cognitive and social skills, and in reality the pressure gets to you real quick. Liam’s first year I wanted everything to be perfect: I wanted perfect family photos, and perfect holiday cards, and perfect pumpkin patch pictures. I remember taking Liam to the pumpkin patch at 8 months old. I was dead set on getting our holiday card pictures that day. I set him down in the hay by the pumpkins and he screamed his head off. Our holiday cards were still cute but I felt so disappointed.

Then his first birthday came around and I basically killed myself to have this picture-perfect party for a child who would never remember it. It was wonderful and perfect but I think he would have been just as happy with a cupcake and just us.

Charlotte came into the world right before Thanksgiving 2019. If you do the math she was only a few months old when the pandemic hit. All the ideas and plans I had for her first year were gone. We were going to go do all the things I didn’t do with Liam because I struggled with such horrible PPA (postpartum anxiety) that leaving the house alone most of his first year was something I could not do. When her first birthday approached I was devastated I couldn’t throw the huge party I had planned. It was almost as if God was like “yeah I am not letting you do this to yourself again, she’s fine with cupcakes and just you.” You know what? She was. She had no clue it was her birthday and the backyard party with just immediate family was fine.

All this to say, as mothers we are given the most impossible expectations to live up to. We have to have the perfect matching holiday pajamas, and the perfect back-to-school photos. We have to do ALL THE THINGS for every single holiday and milestone or we feel like failures. It’s exhausting. Truly. I love my children and I want to do all the things and have all the memories for them but at what point do we collectively as mothers say “enough is enough.” It’s OK if your perfect fall photos are a fail. It’s OK if your child is 2 and not talking. It’s OK if your child doesn’t start to walk until 19 months. Social media has ruined milestones for us because we are so caught up in what everyone else is doing and what our children are not doing.

The guise of perfectionism in motherhood has gotten so beyond out of control and honestly, I am not different because I only post the good moments. I only post the perfect first day of school pictures and not the tantrums and bribes to get them. I only post the beautiful holiday photos and not the arguments that took place 5 minutes before.

When you scroll through social media and you start to feel that tinge of guilt that you didn’t have a first day of school-themed charcuterie snack board for your kids remember that you’re the perfect mom for YOUR kids and even if you don’t make every single milestone Instagram worthy you’re still wonderful.

How do you feel about the guise of perfectionism in motherhood??

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17 Comments

  1. Heather wrote:

    It’s funny… after my first, I did so many of the things that social media makes you think you need to do (including the ridiculous birthday parties). By the time we had our third, I was just tired and realized they didn’t need any of that to have a great childhood.

    Published 9.14.21
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  2. I can definitely see that happen with the first child and even second, but by the time the 3rd, 4th, etc. come, I think by then, the perfectionism mentality has worn off, haha. At least that has been my experience from what my friends and family members have told me.

    Published 9.14.21
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  3. Such a beautiful personal post! Thank you for sharing, I’m not (yet) a mother but as a aunt I some what can relate!

    Published 9.14.21
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  4. Ben wrote:

    I’ve seen this perfectionism trend for motherhood everywhere. It’s intimidating to me, and I’m not even a mom! I can’t imagine having to deal

    Published 9.14.21
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  5. Anna wrote:

    This is a post after my own heart! After getting married young (at 21) and having our firstborn when I was 23 back in 1998, I was thrown into a life of unrealistic parenting expectations. And this was before social media! Everyone had an opinion on how I should raise my daughter, and no one was shy about sharing it with me.

    Strangely (ha!), no one gave my husband any advice-they just clapped him on the back and said “good luck” :/

    Thankfully I was mature enough to take everything with a grain of salt (in other words, I ignored everyone’s advice) and 22 years later I now have a well-adjusted recent college grad who just bought her first house.

    Parenthood is a journey, and every kid has their own timeline. Perfectionism in parenting is an unrealistic expectation that just leads to disappointment on both sides of the equation.

    Published 9.14.21
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  6. Elise Ho wrote:

    Moms often fall prey to this. As you said social media give a very different view of the reality happening behind the scenes.

    Published 9.14.21
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  7. Social media has a lot to do with the quest for perfectionism in motherhood. I don’t like it too, the picture-perfect aspect of parenthood that is more often shown in social media. I guess it’s a way to show off. Well, I do plan to write about it as well, something related to horrifying parenting hacks for real parents like us. Haha.

    Published 9.15.21
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  8. All the feels for this – I always think of that quote “There is no way to be a perfect mum and a thousand ways to be a good one”. Once you grasp that then motherhood becomes way easier because the pursuit of perfection just makes it feel miserable.

    Published 9.15.21
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  9. I feel horrible and sad about it because it speaks a lot about the things going wrong in our ways of living today. We are chasing more milestones than we are creating them with our children!

    Published 9.15.21
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  10. Patricia Chamberlain wrote:

    Social media definitely makes mothers feel like they need to live up to an unfair standard of perfection! We all struggle with parts of parenthood and I wish more people would talk about it so others going through the same thing could feel less alone!

    Published 9.15.21
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  11. Nkem wrote:

    Beautiful post. Perfectionism is indeed a GUISE! you’re right about that. I’m sure so many moms will benefit from your empowering post.

    Published 9.15.21
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  12. I agree with you because you will never know what could happen. I guess you will just know how it might go and learn in case some situations happen to you as well.

    Fransic – https://www.querianson.com

    Published 9.15.21
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  13. I think when my friends became mothers, they become so protective. They become perfectionist too. They are more detail-oriented now compared with the relax attitude before.

    Published 9.16.21
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  14. Motherhood is the most beautiful period of a woman’s life. It should be spent well with care.

    Published 9.16.21
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  15. Blair Villanueva wrote:

    There is so much information out there especially on social media about motherhood or good parenting, but I believe each parent has their own unique way. Each parent should respect that, and the people that surround them.

    Published 9.17.21
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  16. Motherhood is different for every mother. I read so many books, but books definitely can’t fully prepare you – that comes with firsthand experience.

    Published 9.17.21
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  17. This is a very sympathetic article especially for all the mothers out there. I will definitely share this to my friend who is having a hard time coping with her new life and challenges. And hoping this would also help me in the future as an aspiring mom. 🙂

    Published 9.19.21
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